Just NB

While I KNOW that I have good credit rating and references, I was still....kind of holding my breath. I wanted this apartment. I think it's so very me. I think it's so very cute (and 2-3 times the size of my current apartment. Or more). But I was still holding my breath. Hope....is something that waivers with me lately. Pessimism seems to be more my game lately. But... I just spoke with my NEW landlord and everything went well and I'll be signing everything on Monday after work. My new apartment. With my own things. My own space. ♥♥♥♥♥

Yesterday I went and saw **my new** apartment. It's gorgeous. Ok, beauty may lie in the eye of the beholder - but I think it's gorgeous. It's very old, with high ceilings, restored wooden floors, a winding staircase (con) up to the first level and then another staircase behind a locked door. As you walk up 2 staircases (one scary winding and one just very steep), you enter the very large entryway/hallway. I'll have to buy a cute bench and some storage shelves or hanging thing for coats/umbrellas. The entryway has a long hallway on the right and left sides. The left side leads to the very long front room, where I'll have my couch/tv/etc, but the room kind of divides itself to have a little workout room on the side. Right now my 'workout room' consists of a laundry basket that I pull out every day. My weights are thrown in the basket and it's not pretty. I'll buy a mat so that my neighbors won't hear me banging around doing burpees and ever...

Maggie & I are warming up in the car as I type. I wanted to take a look at the area of my new place at different times throughout the week, since it's not one I'm totally familiar with. I took some photos of the area, the building, the stairs that I'm sure I'll fall up or down many times. I wanted to walk to the closest grocery store but also see what the people and storefronts looked like on the way there. Mixed reviews but I certainly felt safe. Maggie even met a golden retriever along the way. Maggie was really frustrating me. She kept pulling on the leash (she's allowed lots of lead as long as she doesn't pull). I would tell her to stop, she'd assume the position (she knows if she pulls too much she has to sit and stay until I catch up and we walk with minimal lead for a few minutes). She kept pulling, but then kept doing her "punishment" non-stop.  I was furious! Also embarrassed.... because she's a dog...and my ange...

It's currently 5:46pm. I don't think I've eaten a vegetable all day. I may eat McDonald's for supper if I can find a drive thru (harder than you'd think!!!). I had a glorious, self-indulgent ninety minute massage. I've floated in the warm baths.  I've subjected myself twice to the Nordic bath torture (walking into 60*F/15*C) water. I started next week's meal plan by the fire overlooking the St. Lawrence river. A fairly good start to a weekend I was dreading. Although I haven't seen the bill yet....

So far, I have 100% survival rate of getting through a bad day, a challenging week, or a rough year. I can get through anything. Today I received some pretty darn exciting news. I can start the credit check for my apartment (the one that I didn't think I'd get) on Sunday. (If I so choose. I just need one last visit...). I can tell you that I've already drawn out the floor plan and decided what is going where and how things will work. But...it's a big move and I need to be sure, so it's worth not rushing. Take that Sucky Easter. I've also booked a NINETY minute massage at a fancy Nordic bath place. (Why these are so common in Quebec, I do not know). And I'm checking Uber to see how much it would cost to be driven home after I'm beaten into relaxation. Treat yo self. And then I checked my other email account. Just to check if my ex emailed me. Telling me how hard this season is for him too. He didn't. That's a good thing. So really....I...

From the wonderful http://www.marcandangel.com/  site. It seems that I get these posts sent to me at the right time. My heart is healing slower than I'd like...and while I totally think I'm happier in the long run...I'm...still heartbroken over the loss....of the entirety of my marriage and everything that comes with it. So here goes: 6 Things to Remember When Your Heart is Breaking ‏   It’s a dull, subdued sensation when your heart is breaking, like the muffled sound of a distant gunshot. It doesn’t physically pierce your skin or tear you to pieces, but the sensation is physically present – the paralyzing discomfort of realizing that something you took for granted is leaving for good. Although it’s hard to accept at first, this is actually a good sign, having a broken heart. It means you have loved something, you have tried for something, and you have let life teach you . Life will attempt to break you down sometimes; nothing and no one can completely protect you...

Easter 2010 – I was in Madagascar, missing my family, missing Canada, and missing Cadbury’s Crème eggs. It’s all I wanted. I wouldn’t be able to have them….until who knows when. I made a few posts about missing them on Facebook, and so casually, like it was no big deal, my ex gave me a HUGE bag of mini-eggs and Cadbury eggs while we were at a party near the pool. It caused a bit of tension because I was dating someone else at the time who had gone to a fair bit of effort to make me the best Easter basket one can make in Madagascar….and here this guy randomly drops off a grocery bag filled to the brim of the one thing I had been dying for.   We started dating not too much after that.   Easter was always a little reminder of that small gesture that ended up being a such a big one. He would surprise me randomly with those eggs….one after I had a bad day or one carefully laid out on our bed.   Last Easter was the last holiday we spent togethe...

This weekend kicked off my official apartment hunting season. I've been living in a place with most of the owner's furnishing...and I'm finally ready to find a place of my own. My own home. I cannot describe the feeling I had when I was in Alberta this Christmas...but I just felt that it wasn't my place. I felt more at home in Montreal. It's very weird because I don't have many friends here, I miss my family in Alberta...but...something just feels right here. For now. If anything Madagascar taught me that you make your home wherever you want...and for now, I guess this is where I want. Today, very out of the blue, I found THE place that I want. I didn't think it would be the one...I kind of just went just to go and visit different types. But...it felt so me. I felt like I wanted to move in tonight. It's a very old building that's been restored (like 99% of all buildings here) and is a 3 floor walkup that has...4 maybe 5 units (like the one I...

Well that was some short lived "lightness". Recently Janae Jacobs from Hungry Runner Girl wrote a post about life as a single mom after divorce. I can't relate to the mom part...but I can relate to the divorce part. I received some homework from my shrink last week: pen & paper feelings/thoughts journal. I've been feeling pent up stress and anxiety....which more often than not means unexpressed feelings. It's been 2 days and I've filled 4 pages...but it's been an amazing visual to see what "stressed" actually means. It means: Missing the girls & worrying about them Sadness and hurt about the divorce Anger directed to my ex Guilt for taking Maggie Anger about certain aspects of my job (ok, just one thing....look back to my Subway Stress post) Total rejection Self-doubt Worry for my future. Well. All these feelings and thoughts are pretty normal....but NO WONDER my stress levels were in overdrive! I've been pushing these ...

This blog needs a little cheering up. And nothing cheers you up more than Mags (if you've had the honor to meet her!)

I wonder if, after all the pieces have fallen, if you ever think of me fondly. I remember the smallest of things. How you'd greet me, how it felt to fall asleep in your arms (& I'd often stay up to watch a show I knew would put me to sleep so I could do just that, your laugh when you thought something was mildly funny, your face when I knew you were trying to tease me. I've been fighting those memories. This week's lesson is that they fight back, so it's best to just let them pass. I worry about the girls. I worry about one of your brother's and your mom... Again...just trying to let those feelings exist and pass by. I've written you countless emails, always to delete them before sending, knowing they'll do more harm than good. My loneliest time is when I'm changing the sheets. It's so much easier to change the sheets with two people. I wonder if your heart breaks....or if you're past that and at peace and happy. I hope that's t...

Saturday night. I'm at home. By myself. Kinda lonely. Kinda feeling sorry for myself. Kinda having an identity crisis. When I was in my twenties, I was quite social and usually...the life of the party. Every Friday and Saturday night, I'd be out with friends, dancing, meeting people, drinking, being a total goof. Most of the people that knew me then think that I'm different now...and they miss the old Nicole. What they didn't know then was that I was always so outgoing, so over-the-top, so much fun, because I was trying to escape how crappy I felt inside. Now they know me as a more quiet, more serious, and less goofy of a person. I still have the same offbeat sense of humor, but it's less likely to present itself...because I can't hide from how crappy I feel & kind of have a lot on my plate. I've been working pretty hard (ok RIDICULOUSLY hard) the last two years or so to feel less crappy; to be at peace with my emotions and myself; and to try to be ...

Along with the other nineteen thousand things that I think about - parenthood and babies ranks up there pretty high. I'm 36. I should have this...."decision" already made if I'm going to have children or not. I don't have a clue. Right now? I want one so that I don't have to worry about what I could be missing. Not a reason to have a child. Of course, I'm missing just a few of the elements that I need. Stability. A place to live. A stable partner in my life (although that could be debated). But as the clock continues to tick......my brain can sometimes get overwhelmed with the different options. So I did what I always do. And Googled. Loved reading these two articles. http://cupofjo.com/2012/03/motherhood-mondays-one-woman-asks-im-not-sure-if-i-want-kids-or-not-how-do-you-decide/ http://www.blogher.com/im-35-and-i-dont-know-if-i-want-baby And loved seeing that there are many, MANY people out there like me.

When I used to live with my ex, I had a very, very long commute to work each day. Every day, I would commute almost four hours in total. I DO NOT know how I did it and I don’t think I could do it again. I had to be so perfectly organized to have any chance of eating properly and/or working out during the week. Come the weekend, I was drained, but I had a list of chores and errands that needed to be done so that my week ran smoothly.   Once I found out about the divorce, I pretty much just let it all go to hell. No meal prep. Didn’t pick out my outfit for work the night before. I just kind of winged it. I didn’t have the energy to do anything.   When I got sick in the beginning of January, I found a store that sold real, whole, pre-portioned meals without preservatives, so I bought a bunch, bought stuff for my breakfast, and made whatever I had to for supper. Most suppers were a big salad with chicken or soup with a protein shake.   Too many suppers were th...

It's been quite a week. From realizing that I think primarily in black and white; to admitting that I'm in a period of "mourning" over my marriage and missing my ex in a,  "I miss you but never want to see you" kind of way; to just sitting back and thinking about myself and life as it is today....and realizing that I'm not the total disaster that I sometimes think I am. It's impossible to experience any kind of major loss without changing as a person. The change might not be huge. Or, the change might be dinosaur-sized. Several times a week, I think about my grandfather, who passed away six months ago now. I am truly, truly blessed, because 90% of the time that I think about him, I remember a man larger than life, cracking jokes, while reading the newspaper and eating his morning Corn Flakes. What a wonderful gift he & my family have given me so that I almost never remember him when he was so ill and weak. Those unsettling memories pop up occa...

This morning, I had an "aha!" moment on the bus. (While I froze my freaking ass off because with the windchill it's -27*C). When I'm upset - I instantly think that I have debilitating depression (at one point in my life I did). When I am happy - I think everything is perfect and has to stay that way. I see life in black and white. I've been working A LOT to get out of the judgment way of thinking (a great exercise is starting to observe the world around by not using "good" or "bad" adjectives. Example: The leaves on the tree are green. Not, those are pretty leaves. It's harder than it seems!) So, yes, I'm tired. And yeah, things are a little rough. But...I do not live a horrible life. I laugh A LOT at work, outside of work, with people and by myself. So, my goal for the next while is to learn how to think in the "grey zone". Life is not perfect nor horrible. I'm not perfect nor horrible. And to start, the artic...

I had a shitty day yesterday. Epic shitty. What I realized is that although the divorce is almost official – I have....some “recovery time” before I’m actually over the divorce.   While the lawyer phone calls and appointments and back and forth was happening, I was in the moment, hurt, and dealing with each detail as it came.   Now that everything is over and signed and done, I’m dealing with the aftershocks.   And it sucks. And it’s the last month of “official” winter. And I started a new job that’s awesome but exhausting (as any new job would be). And I’m ridiculously hard on myself and discouraged when I don’t feel “happy”.     On the way home last night from work, I tried to talk to my Special Person about it, but I couldn’t get many words out. I don’t want to start a relationship while I’m dealing with the aftershocks of a divorce. But, I don’t want to push a special person out of my life...   I ended up in tears,...

Thanks to Facebook and their “Timeline Memories”, I’ve had some photos pop up from way back.   February 2011, I was climbing Mount Kenya, believing it to be a “hard hike” only to find out that it’s CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN and that the British military uses the first stop as training camp. THE FIRST stop. At 3500 m. The second stop before summiting is at 4200 m. It was obviously pretty freaking quickly that I was in serious trouble. At 3500m, I had altitude sickness, I couldn’t eat anything, I didn’t want to eat anything, but I would try to eat a bite of granola bar every few hours... Thankfully it went away at 4200m, but at that height, any time I MOVED I was out of breath.   I remember every morning my guide’s assistant would bring me warm water and a towel to clean up. Are you kidding me? This is a five day hike and I’ll change my underwear every day and that’s about it. I couldn’t possibly have a sponge bath or anything requiring such effort. And the Assistant G...

After arguing for weeks that I didn't have something that belonged to my ex, I found it in my car. I made such a big stink that I DID NOT HAVE THIS and I'm pretty sure I pissed him off to no end, because he knew I had it. When I found it...I debated what to do. Should I wait awhile before I send it? Should I ignore it and wait until I find something else and send that together? I felt like an idiot.... So, a few days after I found it, I mailed it along with a couple of other little things that got mixed up in the move. Even though I made the request that we do not contact one another (it always ends with emotions and upset), I sent him a very brief email, apologizing for the error on my part and the added tension it caused an already very tense situation. Since then, I've been having a few dreams, making me realize that I miss him. I don't miss the heartbreak, the problems, the disappointment (for both of us), and the drama. But at one point, we loved enough to m...