Just NB

I have four (maybe three) days of work left. Petrifying and thrilling all the same. Every week day, I want to wake up early, make a coffee to go, walk Maggie in the busy morning bustle, then head back to bed and sleep until 10am. For at least a week or so.

Christmas season is starting early this year

Dogs are miraculous creatures. I came home, crying the entire way home on the metro, the bus, the walk home. Falling into deep sobs as I mourn another part of my marriage. It's near the end of this process...but still sad. My dog, all 4kg of her attacked me. Not giving up until she was licking my face, my tears, even my boogs. Gross. This thing will eat her own crap if I let her...so "kisses" are strictly off limits. But she was 4kg of pure force until I burst out laughing. I can't believe I let her clean my face...but she was a dog on a mission. So blessed to have this 4kg of fur.

Last night I went to my old place for the last time. My soon-to-be ex-husband arrives today and I needed to get the rest of my stuff and my snow tires before he came back. We're not on fantastic terms. I can drive there, it’s 38km, and be ok. But it’s very difficult for me to be actually inside the condo. The life that we tried to build together…the fights…the good times…it’s a mess of memories that I can’t keep straight. Thankfully, a friend came with me. She’s kind of been my “divorce buddy” as she’s going through a similar process, so she understands. I took the bus home, picked up the car, picked her up, and we drove there. But I had to do something first. I had to stop at the grocery store. I had to buy the following: - Lucky Charms - family sized package of cow’s milk - Nutella - 4 cheese pizza - 6 pack of Corona - box of fresh chocolatines (chocolate croissants) - Oikos greek yogurt packs - granola bars - m&ms - salmon pie - ses...

Kinda gping crazy this weekend. I think since most of my time is spent alone on the weekends, I have the t.v. on for background noise. My internet/cable has been out since Thursday...so finally I found a place that rents dvds (I was surprised to find out this was even a thing still!!) and am curled up watching some tv series for the night. But in general, my weekend was pretty lame. I used to have a gal pal that would spend at least one weekend day with me, but she's been sucked into the, "I'm in love and drop off the face of the earth on the weekends because my boyfriend is so great" mentality that I'm REALLY starting to lose my patience with. Add in divorce talks, that will never go smoothly. And the scale drama, that I need to get into one day and I keep putting off. In short, until I have the time or balls really to elaborate, I'm on medication that effects my weight...and it's very frustrating. I've spoken to my doctors, I've researched on...

Six months ago, I would never have been able to get through a week like this one. Now, I got through the week and even went to a social event and celebrated with some fancy sparkling water. It's comforting to realize I'm forever changing and forever learning.

Every day that I continue to work here, I pass through a vast range of emotions. Shame, regret, guilt, excitement, frustration, anger, resentment, hope, relief, and happiness. Sometimes, I feel all of these emotions in just one hour.... I'm regretful that I'll be leaving the first company that I worked for in Montreal. But hard times come for hard measures...and business is business. In the same sense, I worry sometimes that if I had tried harder at x, or done better at Y, that this wouldn't be happening. Then I think of the possibilities. A job that brings me joy. A job that makes me feel valued and appreciated. A job that challenges me in the right ways. I'm very self aware of what I need in a job and what I don't need in a job. As I start to make my announcements, I'm met with very positive feedback and it's nice. It's nice to feel appreciated. It's nice not to feel like a total loser. I feel like I did a good job here, but it's time to ...

Last night, I took a prescribed Adavan (ativan?). I was supposed to take one last night and one around 8:30 this morning because I'll be in the dentist's chair for an hour getting an emergency root canal. I'm not sure what defines an "emergency" root canal, since I've known about it since Wednesday. I thought I had a broken crown....turns out it was a broken tooth caused by decay. Years ago when I had dental work done, it was through what they called, "sedation dentistry" where they'd give me a little blue pill and I'd be wide awake but couldn't care if a plane crashed into the building. Today, I have Adavan. When I found out about said dental work, I called my grandma in hysterics. It wasn't panic. It wasn't stress. I thought it was. But actually, it gave me an outlet to openly grieve. When your every day is filled with something sad, but you're not depressed, you carry on your best. I've been carrying on my best, but ...

I have to admit I'm pretty nervous this morning. A Managing Consultant is potentially coming in to fill the gap while my (ex) department goes through some changes. This might be today, this might be next week...my 14 day countdown might be a 7 day countdown, it might be a 20 day countdown. Fun, hey? I want to work my hardest, my best, to walk out with my head held high regardless of ANY circumstances. While getting some pretty big dental work (that my dentist gave me some fun medication to take to make me loopy), continuing with job interviews, job hunting, and dealing with whatever crap comes up. Et ça déroule.

When an employee is let go, I think that in over 50% or more cases, the source the problem can be found in leadership. That doesn't mean that employee isn't a disaster, but with adequate leadership, many difficult situations and/or employees can be lead in the right direction. I'm not talking specifics here, but here's what I'm looking for in my next boss: 1. Sets clear expectations A great boss sits down with a new employee right from the beginning and identifies priorities. She discusses the performance review, and how she defines “excellent performance.” She holds discussions regularly in regards to expectations from that point on. An effective boss doesn’t tell her employees how to get the work done . She talks about outcomes and results with them, and the employees are entrusted to execute the details and the process in the way they see fit. Expectations are set in different ways -- sometimes in a formal planning session, other times in an informal conver...

Yesterday, I had the day off today because Maggie was supposed to get her teeth cleaned (which requires general anesthesia) but after the insane week I had, I decided to postpone it. So happy I did, because my boss gave me the day off anyway, so I got to recharge my batteries a bit, visit with a friend, walk Maggie a lot, and walk Maggie's frenemy, Pitu. Pitu is a chill anglophone and Maggie is an francophone true and true...so they tolerate each other...but will never be friends. Despite what you may think, it wasn't a day of sadness. It's a kick to my ego, it's hurtful because I had asked several times and been misled, but in the end, I am but a number in a company. The next two weeks (or slightly more, depending) will pass regardless, so I want to do my best to ensure a smooth transition. I will leave the company with my head held high, because it was never the right fit for me, but I had to pay my Montreal dues, and with everything in my life I wasn't ready for...

I knew my job stability was shaky....and today I received confirmation. Two weeks' notice received. Let the Year Of The Shit continue.

This Friday the 13th, I will be waking up very early, driving to near where I used to where I used to live....and dropping off my best canine buddy. She'll be put under general anesthesia, have her teeth cleaned, and, if all goes well, will wake up a little groggy around 3 or 4pm, I'll go pick her up, worrying the entire drive, probably not sleeping Friday night...until I see her furry face wanting to play and chase squirrels. This has been the Year of The Shit. Let's hope for a very safe operation and speedy recovery. And yes, I already have tears in my eyes. But the little doggy has some dental issues and needs them repaired. I guess I'm so in tune with the little mutt that my molar cracked in half this week, getting the damages assessed tomorrow. I can deal with anything as long as Maggie's dental day goes ok.

'Cause the blog needs some lightening up this week.

It's just after 9pm. The only person I saw this weekend was my shrink. Well, the people at various shops, etc, but I mean that I spent the entire weekend alone. This isn't the first weekend I've spent alone and it won't be the last. Of course I have my faithful companion, Maggie. But I needed a weekend alone. The week was a hard one, full of anxiety, fear, sadness, and panic. But one ending with a lot of learning about myself. I still don't have any strong convictions on where I'll end up in life, but I made some decisions and actions to remove some of that anxiety and panic. I'm sure I'll share more as they unfold. The past couple of weeks, I've been window shopping for Christmas gifts for my family and friends. I don't know the future and my month-to-month is a little tight so I'm trying to spread out the purchases so that I'm not hit so hard December. I've also received the question as to what I'd like for Christmas. A ver...

Every Saturday, without even knowing it, I spend a little time with my grandpa. It usually happens that I end up driving on Saturdays. Driving....Montreal...not a good mix. So I play the music that I have on my phone (using Spotify...get it if you haven't already!!!). I realized just today that the songs I listen to while driving are his songs. Songs I know that he liked, songs that I can picture him liking, and songs that just remind me of him. Each week, I listen to the same songs. On repeat and repeat and repeat. Some weeks, I'm very sad. Some weeks I feel uplifted that the songs make me think of him, and some weeks, I just sing along mindlessly, happy for the distraction that the music is bringing me, saving me from the total & complete jerks most drivers are here. I remember, not even 2 months ago, writing an email to a friend who lost his brother, candidly asking him if the pain ever went away. He told me it lessened with time but could also take his breath away a...

Extremly messy house due to skunk invasion, requiring many hours (days/weeks) of cleaning and organizing Lack of job stability Weight My new hair cut Not finding a mate to spend the rest of my life with My current shoe situation Having a car My finances The dog Extremely messy house I'm not sure if this will ever go away. Once Skunkgate is over and everything has returned back to it's "normal" state, I have to get things from my storage unit and start to sell them. I'm keeping my bed and bed frame...but for the rest, the furniture is VERY big and oversized...and I don't think I'll ever have room for them. If I do, I'll keep them at my house, but my house will then look rather cluttered until my lease is over (June 2015). Job It seems that things change weekly for my job status. I'm a good worker, I get good reviews, but I don't ever know what will be outsourced to different countries, and things aren't very upfront. It's...

Plan for Oct 31, 2015: Shrink appointment Walk Maggie around the block in her very cute banana costume Pick up some Halloween-sized bags of chips (I don't really eat chips so this means I wouldn't chow down on any extra candy) Pick up some wine and something for me to drink at my Halloween party - hosted by my neighbours Attend Halloween party Have fun Meet new people Actual events for Oct 31, 2015 Went to the shrink (after the intense week I had it was very necessary) Walked Maggie in her costume, I think she liked the extra attention. The squirrels were a little relaxed so she ALMOST caught one and it made her year I think. Did not pick up any Halloween candy, decided I was going to rest and chill before my party. Went to SAQ (the liquor store here) and bought a nice bottle of wine for my hostesses and some kind of "light" alcoholic beverage that wouldn't make me drunk-drunk. Did not attend Halloween Party. Sat in my chair with the lights off in...

Although I had a dog when I was younger, I'm clueless with Maggie. Since #skunkgate2015 the dog goes crazy in the mornings....thinking that I'm leaving her forever. She follows me around & gives me her best neglected dog face.... Today I'm trying a mini-kong with natural, organic PB (spoiled mutt)...at the recommendation of many. Maggie NEVER gets any human food, eats "hypoallergenic" dog food (spoiled mutt but it has also changed her from a snot covered mutt sneezing in your face non-stop), and had her first ever treat this year at the age of 7.5 (freeze dried beef liver). I'm not sure if she's smart enough to figure this thing out (she licked it...then looked at me like, Well what the hell do you want me to do with this now?!) & I'm not sure PB is the best thing for tiny dogs... Short story long...anyone have any recommendations for a "distraction treat"?