Just NB

It's been four working days since I've had a job. Those four working days have felt like an eternity. In those four working days and two weekend days, my mood has sunk lower day after day. I spent the entire weekend at home, contemplating going somewhere, doing something, cleaning my house...trying to be productive, and when I list everything that's been done from then to now, yeah, lots has been crossed off my to-do list...but it feels like nothing. There's a little door inside my brain. That little door has opened up. And while the little door is small in nature, once I walk into the room, it's very easy to get sucked in, swallowed up whole, and any rational, calm thinking no longer exists. The small door leads to the Depression Room. I've just been visiting. I'm not there all day, every day. I can experience happiness, I laugh, and I am productive...but I'm there more and more. It's scary and sad. While in earlier months I had more hope and had ...

I had a pretty intense job interview this week - the third of the last – this was the decision maker – and I fell apart. Internally, near the end of the interview, externally, on the way home, after, hours after, the night before…these job interviews and getting *almost* there, is just draining me. It’s nerve wracking anxiety, it’s like waiting for the results of this big exam to see if you get into Harvard, it’s…well, it’s a big freaking big deal. After me falling apart, crashing and burning, going home, cuddling my dog, watching the movie Stepbrothers (you know it’s a bad time when that movie comes out, it’s my soothing, go-to movie that I always watch when I’m just not ok), having a nap, cleaning my house, I started to put together a thank you/follow up email to my interviewer. I may not get the job, but like I hell I was going down without a fight. I can’t go into all the details, but I have a friend in the same world as Interviewer who knows Interviewer and the way that the wo...