Just NB

This never-ending cold that I can't shake is having an impact on my mood. I was SO excited to move into my new place (even if it's only for four months or so), but I've been able to do practically nothing, because I've been flat on my back most of the time. I make sure to go out every day so that I'm not crazed with cabin fever (today doing perhaps a bit too much like shoveling my driveway)...but I'm kinda down. Stuck in the past, wondering what could have been, what should have been, what might have been. Wondering what I could have done better, going over again and again a list of what could/should/might be my biggest regrets. I try to stop this. It's not healthy. It's not productive. The decision to end our union was made and there's nothing that can change that. And then I start worrying about jobs. I've been looking for a month or so, probably one of the worst months to start looking for a job, and there haven't been many bites. I ...

I can't sleep.  I've been feeling so fortunate and lucky and blessed lately... But tonight I'm so sad at everything that was lost.  I'm grateful tomorrow is a new day, where I can continue to look forwards instead of backwards. 

What I wished for this Christmas: - to feel like I am included and a part of something  - to feel loved and special - to feel at peace It wasn't a good start. The entire month of December has dragged me through the mud (or snow and mud?) and I felt pretty beat up going into the season (which in this post, will refer to the week before Christmas).  But I got through it.  I was invited to places to feel included.  I certainly had times where I felt special and loved.  But peace? No peace. My mind was always going, wearing itself out, always forgetting something, napping to try to catch up on missed sleep, and then staying awake during the nights.  Then yesterday evening I had a nap.  Like, a REAL nap, complete with snoring.  Tonight, after discovering that I can create a household of my own again, I feel some peace. I'll move into an empty house before the New Year.  After today's bargain shopping (I will never buy a major purchase on a non-Box...

Yup, this holiday season was rough, as I'm sure it was for many people. Yesterday was hard.  It wasn't until around 14h00 yesterday, after I sat in my car for an hour or so... crying, not knowing where to go, feeling like I didn't belong anywhere and I was THAT person that you invite over during the holidays because you know they don't have anywhere to go...that I realized that Christmas can be an overwhelming time for anyone...& that it was okay to find this Christmas a little harder than other years. And that it doesn't matter why people invited me to their houses, all that it mattered was that I'm lucky to have people in my life that care about me enough to invite me!  So last night, I went to a friend's family for a supper/joke gift exchange/visit, another friend's for Christmas morning (where there was a 3 yr old, which always makes things more fun), and then to my grandparent's place after breakfast until now...where I'm about ten minut...

Yesterday was a new Christmas experience for me. And it's all about creating new this year, right? My cousin had his sister (also my cousin), his nephew (2nd cousin?), his brother-and-law, and his mom (my aunt) to celebrate their family Christmas.  This is the second time I've seen my second cousin, (he's around 1.5 years old) so I was pretty surprised when he warmed up to me and gave me a biiigggggggg hug. (His aunt on his dad's side is tall, so maybe he felt like he already knew me? 😀).  We ate some awesome lasagna  Ok, so that's not a picture of lasagna, but if you look in the lower part of the picture, there's some Christmas baking.  As I am a giant elf,  that's pretty much all I ate. My elf diet consists of mainly sugar!!! We spent most of the night man-handling Juno, because a 1.5 yr old boy is but a mere play toy for the poor pup.  She did NOT have a fun night.  But the rest of us did, especially this little guy, who went all out to: A) steal e...

It's been interesting living in Canada for the Christmas season, the pre-Christmas season, and the pre-pre-Christmas season (which obviously begins as soon as Halloween is over). Obviously, this Christmas will be a new experience for me. It has been so far. I'm lucky enough to be bouncing around between places Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day. Lots of places to go and lots of people to see, which is awesome. All-in-all, my holiday-related breakdowns have been relatively ok. Actually, maybe I've cried less this Christmas season, because other Christmas' I've been away or not with my then-husband. I've also had more time to experience the hype, rather than coming off of a plane, dealing with a time difference of ten hours and having it rammed down my throat. What's been getting me this week, specifically this weekend, is memories and what triggers those memories. I can be going about my business, doing totally fine, and then a memory hits (good...

THANKFULLY, yesterday was a much better day. I skipped my ankle appointment because I was just in too much main to get man-handled, and then went and did some errands before heading over to my grandparents. It was my grandpa's birthday on the 18th, and I wasn't able to make it. Ok - I have to tell y'all about my Craftstore Boyfriend. You know that big craft-stuff store that always sends out the coupons for forty percent off? Well, in the last month or two, I've been there about three or four times (always with that coupon...on my phone no less - still getting used to this!), and there's always been this kind of weird, but very friendly guy. By kind of weird...I mean, like, he has a passion for crafts (not weird, I guess), but...displays it in a way that can be a little weird...or scary...it's hard to describe. Anyway, I'm always very polite with him because he seems like he's socially awkward, but is a nice guy, so I'll make the random/obvious ca...

Day 24: That tomorrow (the 19th) is a new day Day 22. That our family is blessed to have a great-grandpa Day 21 Day 20 (obviously I'm having troubles counting...) For the chance to see friends from what seems like a lifetime ago. :)  Day 15   

Today was a bad day. It feels like every month is a harder month when it comes to divorce. Life goes on and healing happens, but each month a new challenge presents itself, when we're still healing from the month before. And I consider myself lucky. I've heard the horror stories.  Today, everything in my life, including all that is wonderful, came screeching at me. Until I shut off.  No outside world.  No outside distractions.  Canceled plans.  I'm tired. (And for some reason, I consistently need my doctor to tell me this is normal). I need a job. Ok, it's not at the "need" time yet, but I want one.  But still I am grateful. In spite of my bad day, I got quite a few things off my to-do list. In spite of my bad day, I laughed more times that I can count. In spite of my bad day, I sang in my car.  And even better, tomorrow is a new day. Full of potential to be a good one. 

The foot injury I wrote about my last post is parallel to a lot of goings on with my life. Sometimes, my ankle feels so good that I don't even notice it. I can walk around, I can go grocery shopping, I can take the stairs. But I'm very hesitant to push it too much, as soon as I feel pain I back off, worried that I'll re-injure myself.  But I'm in recovery mode. I get help from my doctor (with Active Release Treatment and laser therapy). I rest and elevate it to help it recover and when it hurts. I do exercises to help it heal. Now my life. Sometimes things are so good I don't even know I'm going through a divorce. I run and play and sometimes I'm just so happy, enjoying the small things (um...ok, is Starbucks a small thing? Because it still excites me) in life. It's almost as if it never happened. But I'm in recovery mode. I get help from my family and friends. I get coping advice from my phone-in-shrink. I get hugs and cry...

To catch you up: I finally found an awesome workout schedule that doesn't leave me too tired or susceptible to injury.  I injured myself.  I went to a funeral of a talented, caring, wonderful 31 year old.  I think about this every day.  I borrowed an automatic car as it was easier to drive with my hurt ankle.  I crashed it.  I was treated with nothing but kindness after I crashed it. I shared my car with the crashed-car-owner for a week. The car is now fixed.  My ankle is healing, but not quite enough for me to do some real workouts do  yesterday I went swimming and did 40 laps using a flutter board between my legs and freestylin' it with my arms. 40 x 25 m = 1 km.  My arms hurt. I was nervous to go swimming because it's out of my comfort zone, and truthfully, I've been a bit of a hermit lately. This is not good for me, but with the car sharing and the weather and me not wanting to spread my...bad week, I kinda sucked in that area.  I we...