Just NB

Well, the big day finally came. I somehow survived a week of intense anxiety (mixed with excitement) until Saturday. I woke up feeling pretty good actually. I ate, went to the gym, and even stayed for a second class to try to wear off as much energy as I could. (I joined the Zumba train. I look like I'm like, loser drunk, but it's totally worth a laugh and some cardio as well!!). I was late getting to the airport, like the drive wasn't already driving me insane!!! I watched the GPS showing a countdown of how many minutes until I'd be at the airport. I was focused on driving...getting there on time...but seeing "12 minutes to destination" then "6 minutes to destination"...well, it was just a crazy feeling. Totally inexplicable. Totally overwhelming. Somehow, I made it on time and waited...feeling shaky but dry eyed. (I know, right?) I anxiously watched as the doors opened and finally I saw Louis. Cue the waterworks. (I was getting a little...

Every post that I've tried to write since my big announcement has come off incredibly defensive and like, Oh woah is me. I've hit "Delete All" too many times. So I'll try it again. I feel like I am so lucky, so blessed, and that I am so fortunate to live the life that I live. But I've been feeling like that for some time - before this big decision was made. Going through tough times...well, for me anyway, made me realize just how much time and energy was wasted being unhappy. And now? Since Louis and I are back together (in some kind of odd-but-feeling-totally-natural kind of way), I still feel like that blessed person...only more so. Because now we have another chance together. Ok, so we're in for a tough road, counselling, moving, adjustments, blah blah blah (Or Bob Loblaw for any Arrested Development fans), but...this decision wasn't hastily made. It was made because I made a commitment; because I truly believe that when I married Louis, I mar...

I've had so much going on in my head lately, stuff that makes the best blog entries (in my opinion), but I've been too lazy to write about it. As a reminder to myself, I'll make a note: -Write about: how I talk to myself (in my head) during spinning how limiting expectations while thinking about the other person can make things so much easier yoga updates. In the meantime, I'm in New York State shopping with Louis' girls. It's been pretty awesome so far, and if someone would have told me in 2010 that by 2013 we would have a relationship whereby we'd take a mini-road trip together...well, I wouldn't have believed it. I think I'm especially lucky. As a Step-Mom (more on that later too) On an unrelated note, I'm still part-Madagascar-thinking. Good plastic bags (like grocery bags) aren't available in Madagascar, and they aren't really something you think to bring back from Canada. But they come in handy!!! So I take every bag that I come acr...

I've been so emotional today. I couldn't figure out why, since I'm having such a fun time.  While in the shower, I figured out what giving me such an overwhelming feeling. Relief.  I haven't written many posts lately, because they're all bullshit. I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I'm doing about ten billion things to stay positive, which by all means help a lot, but I don't feel like writing about it much lately. I live the loneliness, I live the struggles of adjusting to a city where I don't know anyone, I live with the guilt from being so sad while I haven't been affected by any of the major ongoing natural disasters.  But today, I'm relieved.  Even though I've only seen my in-laws a handful of times, I feel like a part of their family. I feel content and happy (most of the time :P). I'm surrounded by family interactions and people I know and I'm relieved because it shows me that the feelings of isolation and loneliness are tempor...

Today was a very, very happy day for me. I miss the family atmosphere, be it Edmonton or Madagascar! It's one of the hardest parts of my adjustment to living in Quebec. Today I was with Louis, Claudie, and various members of his family at various points during the day. I soooooooo needed this. 

I missed Louis a lot today....and still had a fantastic day...and was happy. This is kind of a big deal. 

I'm really struggling to be happy while Louis and I are apart. It's probably harder this time because its been nearly 2.5 months, but I'm really struggling. I try to keep busy, I try to think of all the amazing things that I've experienced and all the wonderful people in my life, yet...I'm unhappy, which makes appreciating life much harder. I want to change this. I think this takes time and energy, but I forget this. I get impatient with myself, I lose sight of all of my blessings, and then I have some really bad moments/hours/days.  I'm working hard to change this. I could go on and write out everything that I'm doing, all the steps that I'm taking, which includes a key step of doing nothing because I can't just get "used to" a complete lifestyle change in a month. Or two months.  Anyway, on to my story. Yesterday was a bad day. I'm not sure where it went wrong, but it went wrong. I ended up staying home while my friend went to watch h...

I'm having a lot of cool Edmonton experiences while I'm here! First, seeing my grandpa, in much better condition that in January, was great. He's still ill, and they'll still have a lot if bad days, but he's at home, and everyone is trying their best.  Next, it was the small little things. Like going to Mac's for a slurpee (I can't find any near us in Quebec). Or spending the day with my cousin. Or going out with friends that I don't get to see enough. Or going to IHop to eat an entire day's worth of calories in one sitting :S But I'm overwhelmed by it all. I want to take it all in, but I have a hard time because Louis and I will have a long distance relationship for awhile, and because I've chosen to make Quebec my home.  I feel guilty for not being here. For missing out on the lives of my friends and family. It's been awhile since I've struggled with moving from Alberta, but now I'm really feeling it.  I miss Louis, but I miss t...

Well yesterday night wasn't fantastic (although my hosts were!) which kind of took over most of today.  Finally, after a nap, I decided to go for a walk downtown. Luckily, my friends' place is so close!  Luxembourg is such a beautiful place!!! I could walk around forever. All of the government buildings are nearby, including the Palace where the Duke and Duchess of Luxembourg live! The Duke and Duchess are in town so there pictures are up in lots of shops.  I'm still a little blue, I miss Louis and I don't always understand how this long distance thing works, but the walk did me some good.  Hoping for a better day (mentally) tomorrow!

I had such a great day today, doing practically nothing, going for a quick run with some cool scenery, having an awesome supper and light dessert with friends, and then my mind went crazy. I've been job-hunting more since I've been here, which somehow instantly turns into panic that I'll never find a job, Louis will leave me, and I'll end up working a Starbucks for the rest if my life. (There's nothing wrong with working for Starbucks but I don't think it would make me personally happy, even though I would be lost without them).  A practically perfect day, sort of ruined because I started to panic so much that I just had to go to bed. I'm happy to have done all these fantastic, amazing, mind blowing things. But what about after?!?! What if it's all downhill from here? What if Louis and I can never find a job together? What if we never have children?  Yah. I hate when this happens.