Just NB

I have four (maybe three) days of work left. Petrifying and thrilling all the same. Every week day, I want to wake up early, make a coffee to go, walk Maggie in the busy morning bustle, then head back to bed and sleep until 10am. For at least a week or so.

Christmas season is starting early this year

Dogs are miraculous creatures. I came home, crying the entire way home on the metro, the bus, the walk home. Falling into deep sobs as I mourn another part of my marriage. It's near the end of this process...but still sad. My dog, all 4kg of her attacked me. Not giving up until she was licking my face, my tears, even my boogs. Gross. This thing will eat her own crap if I let her...so "kisses" are strictly off limits. But she was 4kg of pure force until I burst out laughing. I can't believe I let her clean my face...but she was a dog on a mission. So blessed to have this 4kg of fur.

Last night I went to my old place for the last time. My soon-to-be ex-husband arrives today and I needed to get the rest of my stuff and my snow tires before he came back. We're not on fantastic terms. I can drive there, it’s 38km, and be ok. But it’s very difficult for me to be actually inside the condo. The life that we tried to build together…the fights…the good times…it’s a mess of memories that I can’t keep straight. Thankfully, a friend came with me. She’s kind of been my “divorce buddy” as she’s going through a similar process, so she understands. I took the bus home, picked up the car, picked her up, and we drove there. But I had to do something first. I had to stop at the grocery store. I had to buy the following: - Lucky Charms - family sized package of cow’s milk - Nutella - 4 cheese pizza - 6 pack of Corona - box of fresh chocolatines (chocolate croissants) - Oikos greek yogurt packs - granola bars - m&ms - salmon pie - ses...

Kinda gping crazy this weekend. I think since most of my time is spent alone on the weekends, I have the t.v. on for background noise. My internet/cable has been out since Thursday...so finally I found a place that rents dvds (I was surprised to find out this was even a thing still!!) and am curled up watching some tv series for the night. But in general, my weekend was pretty lame. I used to have a gal pal that would spend at least one weekend day with me, but she's been sucked into the, "I'm in love and drop off the face of the earth on the weekends because my boyfriend is so great" mentality that I'm REALLY starting to lose my patience with. Add in divorce talks, that will never go smoothly. And the scale drama, that I need to get into one day and I keep putting off. In short, until I have the time or balls really to elaborate, I'm on medication that effects my weight...and it's very frustrating. I've spoken to my doctors, I've researched on...

Six months ago, I would never have been able to get through a week like this one. Now, I got through the week and even went to a social event and celebrated with some fancy sparkling water. It's comforting to realize I'm forever changing and forever learning.

Every day that I continue to work here, I pass through a vast range of emotions. Shame, regret, guilt, excitement, frustration, anger, resentment, hope, relief, and happiness. Sometimes, I feel all of these emotions in just one hour.... I'm regretful that I'll be leaving the first company that I worked for in Montreal. But hard times come for hard measures...and business is business. In the same sense, I worry sometimes that if I had tried harder at x, or done better at Y, that this wouldn't be happening. Then I think of the possibilities. A job that brings me joy. A job that makes me feel valued and appreciated. A job that challenges me in the right ways. I'm very self aware of what I need in a job and what I don't need in a job. As I start to make my announcements, I'm met with very positive feedback and it's nice. It's nice to feel appreciated. It's nice not to feel like a total loser. I feel like I did a good job here, but it's time to ...