Just NB

Despite any inner...turmoil (aka overthinking) in my last post, I have to say that almost every morning I wake up with a very full heart. I haven't officially moved (but will be shortly), but basically, I'm living the lake life. It's in a house, filled with noise (the dogs), love (A and me and the dogs), and just....a kind of peace that I hadn't yet found. I've never been a city girl, yet somehow I made Montreal my home and it ended up feeling quite small...but I love walking up to the birds chirping, the dogs singing their good morning love song (aka either crying or howling for some love/attention/food), eating breakfast either looking out at the backyard, or as of this weekend, sitting in an outdoor recliner watching the dogs chase squirrels, bark, or chase each other. And once they run around in the morning, it's nap time until the afternoon. Then as the day progresses, my head starts to fill itself of everything that I'm not getting ...

“Giving is virtuous, but so is accepting gifts gratefully.” ~Doe Zantamata I found that quote from this article  and I felt like it could have easily be written by me. It's not to say that I don't find myself around giving and generous people, but...in most cases, I would rather give than receive in my areas and aspects of my life. What isn't so easy, is to accept the kindness of others. Since I have been with A, he has been incredibly generous. I don't just mean with material things, but with his time, patience, and constant love. CONSTANT love. No matter what. His family has been the same. Just one quick example: Last week I had a dentist appointment (and they give me drugs because nothing scares me more than dentists) and I needed a ride. A is nearing the end of a huge project, and taking a few hours off in the middle of a weekday was super tough. So, his dad offered to take me. He drove 1.5 hrs to pick me up, dropped me off at the dentist, waited for me in th...

This morning I decided I was going to have a "sick day". I've kind of been running around in circles since last Friday, doing my best to relax, but then doing laundry, vacuuming, organizing, running random errands, etc... Today, after running a couple of errands, I'm calling in sick. I'm laying in bed, watching a movie, possibly eating some chocolate, and giving up on adulting. The boyfriend has been trying to convince me to do this since last Friday...but it just felt...off. Like I should be pounding the pavement, calling all contacts, making a list of everything that needs done and get it all finished ASAP. So today, after stopping at the grocery store, and chatting with a ninety-five (and a half!) year old, who walks every day with her morning mall-walk group and still drives herself, I decided that yep, I'm going to have a day where I just relax. And go for a walk later on. But first, we needed a coffee, and Mags needs a little break from the other...

Some celebrating happened on Friday and Saturday night (both nights with steak...guess I needed me some red meat!). (Also, side note, the meal below is from Good Foods. Click on  this link to find out more about it. It's amazing, affordable, and makes you look all fancy). The first huge celebration, is that little Maggie, is doing just fine. I didn't write about it, but two weeks ago, she was hit by a car. I know. It was terrifying. I'm not all together sure how it happened (other than a car hit her), but I found her on the road, eyes closed, bleeding from the mouth. I gently picked her up, started talking calmly to her, and then the lady that hit her drove me to the vet hospital. She was able to understand her words (like treat, walk, squirrel, etc), but she couldn't open her eyes and she was still bleeding a bit. I was grateful that I would have these last few moments with Maggie, since she was alert, and then I gave her to the vet, and she brought me Maggi...

Lately...I’ve had a few…well, ok, more than a few moments. Many moments. Where I ask myself, Is this really my life? Is this…what real happiness feels like?  With all the changes in my life the last few years (plus struggling with my depression), I have had happy moments, happy days, happy weeks. I think that I laugh regularly. And maybe looking back something felt missing…but I didn’t truly realize it. I felt alone….a lot. But…I was also..kind of used to it. Now…I feel like I’m on the fourth day of a really great vacation that just blows your mind and you think to yourself…Wow, how did I get here? My life is far from perfect. I have family, finance, work, and other life concerns/worries… and I’m scared to say it out loud. But I am. So. Happy. I met this man…who is so wonderful….in so many ways… and I think…was all this hard work leading up to this? If so…it was worth it.  Yep, we’ve only been together for two months. Two short months. But two months whe...

I was prepared to write this long post, about relationships, love, and whatever, but…I’ll keep it simple. Time will tell, but it’s highly probable….that I have met my match. The perfect mixture of funny but serious, witty, smart, goofy, gazillion-dollar smile, kind, thoughtful, handsome, TALLER THAN ME…I could go on and on… And on. And on. And yes, its early. And yes, things are moving quickly. But…as I’ve heard…sometimes when you know…you just know. I’m hesitant to put it out there…that I “just know”. But…this relationship feels like…nothing else I’ve experienced. I’ve met his family. I’m hoping to bring him to meet my family in the summer. Too fast? Maybe. Rushing? Nope. I’ve been enjoying every minute with this match man.

As I may have written, when I visited Alberta at the end of last year, I really had a lot of time to think. I decided that 2018 would not be a year like the last few. I would not fight so hard to win the battles that didn’t matter. I would accept what/who/where I am and make changes along the way, without being so harsh on myself. I also decided that I would go for full out love and partnership -   and if I didn’t get it, I wasn’t going to waste my time with someone that wasn’t prepared to offer it. In fact….I knew that the person I was with was unable to offer what I needed….for quite some time now… I was…effectively morning the relationship before it had ended. Not the best sign….but sometimes you just do what you can do. Not too long ago, I ended the relationship. I thought it would be harder than it was….but the situations as they were….it was a relief. At least if I was at home feeling lonely – it was on my terms. The relationship….had disintegrated beyond recognit...