Apples Crisp Challenge - Part III
{if you haven't religiously been following this riveting series, start with Part I and Part II}
Ok, so here’s what you decide to do. [After you make the muddy track to your car and back. I’ll skip these details because you’ve heard about them in part 1)
Using some scissors, you cut very small holes in the bottom of 2 Cinnamon flavor and 2 packages of Maple & Brown Sugar flavored packages of the oatmeal. You shake-shake-shake what falls out into a bowl, and then measure out what’s left.
Okay…so usually, for a big pan like this, you’d use one cup of white sugar and one cup of brown sugar. The gunk that’s fallen out of the oatmeal packages makes up about one third of a cup. You’re missing two thirds of a cup. You could use white sugar…but that would kind of be missing something.
You go looking in the fridge for inspiration. You see some ketchup packets, some *real* maple syrup from Quebec (marry a Quebecer to find out what a big deal this is), and sour cream.
You’ll deal with that problem later. You decide to move on.
Next up: Flour. No flour. No flour. What the hell can you do with no flour?
Too bad you didn’t have your cell phone, or you could go and Google something. On the coffee table, you see a couple of old “Good Housekeeping” magazines, with one of the headlines, “Celiac, what does it mean and how does it affect you?” and you remember reading some recipes using ground oats in place of flour. You ALSO remember seeing one of those stupid “Magic Bullets” on one of your cupboard searches to find a pan for the stupid crisp.
Like, seriously, your mind is continuing to come up with some pretty brilliant ideas! You take some oats, put it in the Magic Bullet and “blend”.
WOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH oat/flour EVERYWHERE!!!!
You swear you shut it tight? How did it get EVERYWHERE? Today is just not your day!!!!!!!
After finding the broom (but no dustpan) and sweeping up your mess to the side, you try this “oat flour” deal again. Magic! The Magic Bullet works! It’s a different color and slightly a different consistency, but it just might work.
Now you just need butter. Except all that you’ve been able to find is Crisco. It doesn’t taste like butter. It kind of has the same concept…and at this point, you’re kind of just going along with whatever. You what you think you need, and then mix the oats, oat flour, cinnamon/brown sugarmess mix, white sugar, and baking soda together.
Before you top the apples with the mix, you remember that you’re still missing about 2/3 cup of sugar. What if you dumped ½ of a cup of *real* maple syrup from Quebec on the apples and stirred them all up? Sounds good. That’ll work for now.
Maple syrup added and mixed. Check.
Oat/Crisco/oat flour mixture “crumbled” on top. Check.
Everything is ready?
The oven is pre-heated and ready to go. You put the heavy pan into the oven, close the door, and then go and sit down and start reading one of the magazines lying around. You have roughly forty five minutes or so before the crisp is ready, so now you can finally relax.
You look outside and it’s so beautiful. You missed that with all of the other things you had going on. It’s so nice out in the country and the lake view is amazing. You see why your friend would like coming out here and why she’d want her guests to stay out here with her.
After enjoying the view, you tidy up the gigantic mess you made. Thankfully your friend has a dishwasher.
You still can’t find a dustpan but some flyers sitting on the table make for a pretty good replacement. Wow, you’ve really worked hard today! How about making a pot of coffee now? T
hat sounds like a good idea. Except you can’t find anything…not even the coffee maker? I guess it’s not a big deal; your friend can make coffee when she gets here. No sooner, your friend and her three out-of-town guests show up. After greetings and introductions, everyone tells you the house smells delicious. You don’t mention your little adventure making it.
You ask your friend where the coffee pot is because you couldn’t find it. She laughs, “Oh! I have one of those new machines that makes a cup at a time!”. She opens up a cupboard and displays small individually wrapped coffee pucks, all different flavors and beans. Everyone decides what kind they want and she jumps in as host and makes everyone a cup.The sun’s come out, and the travelling guests have spent too much time inside travelling, so you all move outside onto the patio. Everyone is enjoying themselves. Your friend’s guests are distant relatives visiting from Germany.
You venture into the kitchen in attempt to make another cup of coffee in her fancy machine, and all you see is small amounts of smoke coming out of the kitchen. You rush over to the oven, and the top of the crisp is burnt and ALMOST BLACK. Taking the nearest tea towel, you take the pan out of the oven. Your crisp is ruined! After everything, it’s freaking ruined!
Everyone comes after they hear you…saying loud words…and they look at the blackish crisp.
Before you can respond, a shorter, middle aged lady walks into the kitchen, still wearing her shoes and coat and is carrying five or six grocery bags. What the!?!
[I know. The suspense is killing me too. Series finale will be next. Have zero idea WHY this started with apple crisp, but I'm finding out that I seriously know a lot about apple crips, even though I have not made it more than once or twice.]
Ok, so here’s what you decide to do. [After you make the muddy track to your car and back. I’ll skip these details because you’ve heard about them in part 1)
Using some scissors, you cut very small holes in the bottom of 2 Cinnamon flavor and 2 packages of Maple & Brown Sugar flavored packages of the oatmeal. You shake-shake-shake what falls out into a bowl, and then measure out what’s left.
Okay…so usually, for a big pan like this, you’d use one cup of white sugar and one cup of brown sugar. The gunk that’s fallen out of the oatmeal packages makes up about one third of a cup. You’re missing two thirds of a cup. You could use white sugar…but that would kind of be missing something.
You go looking in the fridge for inspiration. You see some ketchup packets, some *real* maple syrup from Quebec (marry a Quebecer to find out what a big deal this is), and sour cream.
You’ll deal with that problem later. You decide to move on.
Next up: Flour. No flour. No flour. What the hell can you do with no flour?
Too bad you didn’t have your cell phone, or you could go and Google something. On the coffee table, you see a couple of old “Good Housekeeping” magazines, with one of the headlines, “Celiac, what does it mean and how does it affect you?” and you remember reading some recipes using ground oats in place of flour. You ALSO remember seeing one of those stupid “Magic Bullets” on one of your cupboard searches to find a pan for the stupid crisp.
WOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH oat/flour EVERYWHERE!!!!
You swear you shut it tight? How did it get EVERYWHERE? Today is just not your day!!!!!!!
After finding the broom (but no dustpan) and sweeping up your mess to the side, you try this “oat flour” deal again. Magic! The Magic Bullet works! It’s a different color and slightly a different consistency, but it just might work.
Now you just need butter. Except all that you’ve been able to find is Crisco. It doesn’t taste like butter. It kind of has the same concept…and at this point, you’re kind of just going along with whatever. You what you think you need, and then mix the oats, oat flour, cinnamon/brown sugar
Maple syrup added and mixed. Check.
Oat/Crisco/oat flour mixture “crumbled” on top. Check.
Everything is ready?
The oven is pre-heated and ready to go. You put the heavy pan into the oven, close the door, and then go and sit down and start reading one of the magazines lying around. You have roughly forty five minutes or so before the crisp is ready, so now you can finally relax.
After enjoying the view, you tidy up the gigantic mess you made. Thankfully your friend has a dishwasher.
You still can’t find a dustpan but some flyers sitting on the table make for a pretty good replacement. Wow, you’ve really worked hard today! How about making a pot of coffee now? T
hat sounds like a good idea. Except you can’t find anything…not even the coffee maker? I guess it’s not a big deal; your friend can make coffee when she gets here. No sooner, your friend and her three out-of-town guests show up. After greetings and introductions, everyone tells you the house smells delicious. You don’t mention your little adventure making it.
Their English is so-so. They are nice, but it seems like some nuances and little jokes aren’t picked up – on your side and theirs. Your friend speaks German, so there’s lots of translating back and forth. (No one seems to think it’s odd that your friend would ask you to come to her house and make a dessert.)
You venture into the kitchen in attempt to make another cup of coffee in her fancy machine, and all you see is small amounts of smoke coming out of the kitchen. You rush over to the oven, and the top of the crisp is burnt and ALMOST BLACK. Taking the nearest tea towel, you take the pan out of the oven. Your crisp is ruined! After everything, it’s freaking ruined!
Everyone comes after they hear you…saying loud words…and they look at the blackish crisp.
“Oh, crispy, yah?!” says the apparent comedian of the group.
[I know. The suspense is killing me too. Series finale will be next. Have zero idea WHY this started with apple crisp, but I'm finding out that I seriously know a lot about apple crips, even though I have not made it more than once or twice.]
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