Purple jumped; car the dishwater/frog Armenian drove!
I'm going through a lot right now. And I'm not sure if I can properly explain it so that it makes any sense (thus the title of the post...) (or if the title of the post will just make me sound crazier. But at work I'd often get emails that make as much sense as the title of this post....)
I'm not saying that in a Please pity me or as an excuse for any behavior. But I forget that I'm going through a lot. Or that there are a lot of changes and uncertainty in my life right now.
And I had an experience about a month ago, that kind of added to the "a lot". It started to slowly skew my perception how relationships work. And while I knew it was kind of lingering in the background, and that I had to deal with it eventually, I guess I didn't know how prevalent it was until this morning...while I sat in the most amazing jet tub that I have ever come across, followed by a fantastic massage.
I was so relaxed in the tub that I had to prop my leg up on the edge, because I wasn't sure that my muscles would work to keep me from drowning. It was the most amazing feeling.
And then I started to cry. And then it's like I figured out why I've been stressed out.
Yes, I miss Louis. Yes, he's far away. Yes, we're not in an ideal situation. There's always going to be that (for now).
But what's messing with me, is that I am freaking out because there aren't enough hours in the day to see everyone that I want to see and do everything that I want to do and there are these unrealistic expectations from my friends and family to be perfect and see everyone and go to every event and if I don't do it all, they'll be mad and upset with me, or maybe they'll be so mad and upset with me that they won't want to be my family or friend anymore.
In reality - none of what I'm freaking out about is reality.
All of this because ONE relationship in my life/history is or was (or whatever!) set up in such a way.
In reality -
I expect myself just to be able to do everything that I "think" is expected of me. And perfectly. So when it's not, I panic. And freak out. And completely ruin the good time that I could have had.
All this got worked out in this fantastic jet tub that made my muscles into Jell-O.
Even tonight...I was late to meet a dear friend for supper...and about thirty times I thought about turning around. I worried that she'd be mad for my tardiness, that we'd have nothing to talk about, that I'd be stressed the entire time that I was there.... I nearly called to cancel so many times.
So here's where maybe the crazy starts, but I turned off the radio, and had a little chat with myself.
Like, really? I'm at this point of craziness right now? Or maybe my self-chat was the only sane thing I've done (apart from my tub-soak-therapy-session).
The result of me not turning around? A fantastic evening. Ok, so I wasn't like, as happy as I could have been. And guess what, she understood. She understood that I was kind of going through a big life change...and that my head is a little all over the place. 'Cause that what friends and family do. We laughed, we cried, we caught up....it was great.
Maybe friends and family don't understand exactly what you're going through, but they understand and accept that you can be going through a stressful period.
Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean that I don't have fun. Or laugh a hundred times a day. Or that there's a dark cloud that follows me around. I have fun. I laugh. I'm still my self. But I struggle. And I just have to quit fighting to NOT struggle so much, and realize that it's not always going to be sunshines and rainbows. And that I'm only ONE person.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. Maybe it makes just as much sense as a post that I would have written 9 days into my move to Madagascar....
I'm not saying that in a Please pity me or as an excuse for any behavior. But I forget that I'm going through a lot. Or that there are a lot of changes and uncertainty in my life right now.
And I had an experience about a month ago, that kind of added to the "a lot". It started to slowly skew my perception how relationships work. And while I knew it was kind of lingering in the background, and that I had to deal with it eventually, I guess I didn't know how prevalent it was until this morning...while I sat in the most amazing jet tub that I have ever come across, followed by a fantastic massage.
I was so relaxed in the tub that I had to prop my leg up on the edge, because I wasn't sure that my muscles would work to keep me from drowning. It was the most amazing feeling.
And then I started to cry. And then it's like I figured out why I've been stressed out.
Yes, I miss Louis. Yes, he's far away. Yes, we're not in an ideal situation. There's always going to be that (for now).
But what's messing with me, is that I am freaking out because there aren't enough hours in the day to see everyone that I want to see and do everything that I want to do and there are these unrealistic expectations from my friends and family to be perfect and see everyone and go to every event and if I don't do it all, they'll be mad and upset with me, or maybe they'll be so mad and upset with me that they won't want to be my family or friend anymore.
In reality - none of what I'm freaking out about is reality.
All of this because ONE relationship in my life/history is or was (or whatever!) set up in such a way.
In reality -
- I can't see everyone for as long as I want.
- Everyone understands that.
- It's okay to not be on my top game....I'm still adjusting to a new way of life...and I've been in Canada for NINE days. Less than a week of that has been in Quebec.
I expect myself just to be able to do everything that I "think" is expected of me. And perfectly. So when it's not, I panic. And freak out. And completely ruin the good time that I could have had.
All this got worked out in this fantastic jet tub that made my muscles into Jell-O.
Even tonight...I was late to meet a dear friend for supper...and about thirty times I thought about turning around. I worried that she'd be mad for my tardiness, that we'd have nothing to talk about, that I'd be stressed the entire time that I was there.... I nearly called to cancel so many times.
So here's where maybe the crazy starts, but I turned off the radio, and had a little chat with myself.
- No one cares if I'm less than 30 minutes late (it was at her house).
- My lateness has NO impact on the night.
- I would feel far worse off if I turned around and went home, than if I didn't spend the evening with her.
Like, really? I'm at this point of craziness right now? Or maybe my self-chat was the only sane thing I've done (apart from my tub-soak-therapy-session).
The result of me not turning around? A fantastic evening. Ok, so I wasn't like, as happy as I could have been. And guess what, she understood. She understood that I was kind of going through a big life change...and that my head is a little all over the place. 'Cause that what friends and family do. We laughed, we cried, we caught up....it was great.
Maybe friends and family don't understand exactly what you're going through, but they understand and accept that you can be going through a stressful period.
Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean that I don't have fun. Or laugh a hundred times a day. Or that there's a dark cloud that follows me around. I have fun. I laugh. I'm still my self. But I struggle. And I just have to quit fighting to NOT struggle so much, and realize that it's not always going to be sunshines and rainbows. And that I'm only ONE person.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. Maybe it makes just as much sense as a post that I would have written 9 days into my move to Madagascar....