Perfect Timing
I'm very aware that my blog has taken quite a turn. It's a lot of huge ups and downs, almost little to no pictures, and a lot of self analysis (ok, that part has stayed the same), and sometimes I worry that I come off like I'm, I don't know, someone with a perfect life complaining over and over about a hangnail. I think sometimes I don't write because of that. But there's still something that brings me back, that makes me want to write...not sure what it is.
Yesterday I woke up feeling ok. Not fantastic, because of the night before, but certainly feeling less emotional and worried about the future.
I made a list of every nagging task on Sunday, and I wanted to start the week by crossing off a lot of those tasks off. I almost didn't get started. It could have been really easy to stay home and mope around. (Maggie would have liked that, I'm sure).
I also looked at a yoga studio and saw that there was an evening class, and I made a plan to go. I knew that I needed it.
I also went to drop off the money that my husband's ex lent me when my wallet was stolen, along with some important papers. On the way, I stopped at a florist and asked them for whatever kind of arrangement $20 could get me. It's weird, I'm so insecure lately, I went back and forth on actually giving her the flowers, I thought it was maybe too forward. I really don't like when I get like this. Doubting myself. Stopping myself from doing something that I want to do because I'm worried about the other person's reaction. I didn't feel obligated to buy the flowers, and I can't be throwing around my money, but spending that $20 to make someone a little happy is something that made ME feel better. So I told myself to quit with the self-doubt and delivered the flowers. She wasn't home so I put them in the back yard (and was relieved I didn't have to give her the flowers in person). This is such a small gesture, but the goings on in the background say a lot about what's going on in my head right now. I've never been the most secure person, I think I try to fake it a lot, but I have more and more moments where I doubt myself or try to seek approval, which I know leads to a road of unhappiness.
Anyway, after all my errands, I came home and decided not to go to yoga. I was nervous, I didn't know if I'd understand it in French, I would have to meet new people, I wasn't sure if my yoga skills were advanced enough to take a class (I've been using podcasts for the last 4 years...so I have no idea if I'm ever doing anything right). And then I changed my mind, I called, I went, and it was EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.
The sign up process was easy, the teacher had kind eyes, and she started off the class by telling us that the intention of today's class was "thankfulness". And not thankfulness for our material things or people in our lives, but for thankful for the place that we are RIGHT NOW. Imagine that. Just when I'm losing faith and feeling lost in what may be, the next day I take a yoga class that focuses on being happy in the present moment.
The class was practically a copy of my podcasts, and I followed 99% of what was being said (when will I learn that I speak and understand French?), and what happened in that class was amazing. I won't get into too many details, but during that class, I talked to God, I talked to myself, and by the time shavasna came (the end/rest), I was so thankful for where I am right now, that I had a few tears. I guess yoga is a personal experience, so I won't go into all the details, but during the class, I was completely present, and after the class, I felt prepared for the bad days and had less anticipation/anxiety about the future. I'll never know what's going to happen, and yeah, moving here on my own, knowing few people, doing most things on my own, tends to get me down. If I can accept that, and continue to make efforts to change that, and grow here, I'll be less down less often.
It's also pretty good timing because I ran/spun too often without enough rest days AND all aerobics/spinning classes are cancelled due to construction for two weeks. I needed this class to remind me why I used to practice yoga.
I wanted to go back today but there are no classes, but maybe I need today to take my yoga time and read one of my very interesting, uplifting Pema Chodra books on the patio. Ok, I'm a bit of a dork and bought a new notebook, highlighters, and nice pens so that I can write down how I relate to what I'm reading. I love being school supplies. :)
Oh- and the flowers? They made her so happy, she called me and we chat on the phone for a few minutes. I was nervous and awkward, but she made sure I had her cell phone number to call if I ever needed anything.
So I'm trying to carry what I experienced during my yoga practice with me today. Thankful for today, and accept what's going on right now.
Yesterday I woke up feeling ok. Not fantastic, because of the night before, but certainly feeling less emotional and worried about the future.
I made a list of every nagging task on Sunday, and I wanted to start the week by crossing off a lot of those tasks off. I almost didn't get started. It could have been really easy to stay home and mope around. (Maggie would have liked that, I'm sure).
I also looked at a yoga studio and saw that there was an evening class, and I made a plan to go. I knew that I needed it.
I also went to drop off the money that my husband's ex lent me when my wallet was stolen, along with some important papers. On the way, I stopped at a florist and asked them for whatever kind of arrangement $20 could get me. It's weird, I'm so insecure lately, I went back and forth on actually giving her the flowers, I thought it was maybe too forward. I really don't like when I get like this. Doubting myself. Stopping myself from doing something that I want to do because I'm worried about the other person's reaction. I didn't feel obligated to buy the flowers, and I can't be throwing around my money, but spending that $20 to make someone a little happy is something that made ME feel better. So I told myself to quit with the self-doubt and delivered the flowers. She wasn't home so I put them in the back yard (and was relieved I didn't have to give her the flowers in person). This is such a small gesture, but the goings on in the background say a lot about what's going on in my head right now. I've never been the most secure person, I think I try to fake it a lot, but I have more and more moments where I doubt myself or try to seek approval, which I know leads to a road of unhappiness.
Anyway, after all my errands, I came home and decided not to go to yoga. I was nervous, I didn't know if I'd understand it in French, I would have to meet new people, I wasn't sure if my yoga skills were advanced enough to take a class (I've been using podcasts for the last 4 years...so I have no idea if I'm ever doing anything right). And then I changed my mind, I called, I went, and it was EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.
The sign up process was easy, the teacher had kind eyes, and she started off the class by telling us that the intention of today's class was "thankfulness". And not thankfulness for our material things or people in our lives, but for thankful for the place that we are RIGHT NOW. Imagine that. Just when I'm losing faith and feeling lost in what may be, the next day I take a yoga class that focuses on being happy in the present moment.
The class was practically a copy of my podcasts, and I followed 99% of what was being said (when will I learn that I speak and understand French?), and what happened in that class was amazing. I won't get into too many details, but during that class, I talked to God, I talked to myself, and by the time shavasna came (the end/rest), I was so thankful for where I am right now, that I had a few tears. I guess yoga is a personal experience, so I won't go into all the details, but during the class, I was completely present, and after the class, I felt prepared for the bad days and had less anticipation/anxiety about the future. I'll never know what's going to happen, and yeah, moving here on my own, knowing few people, doing most things on my own, tends to get me down. If I can accept that, and continue to make efforts to change that, and grow here, I'll be less down less often.
It's also pretty good timing because I ran/spun too often without enough rest days AND all aerobics/spinning classes are cancelled due to construction for two weeks. I needed this class to remind me why I used to practice yoga.
I wanted to go back today but there are no classes, but maybe I need today to take my yoga time and read one of my very interesting, uplifting Pema Chodra books on the patio. Ok, I'm a bit of a dork and bought a new notebook, highlighters, and nice pens so that I can write down how I relate to what I'm reading. I love being school supplies. :)
Oh- and the flowers? They made her so happy, she called me and we chat on the phone for a few minutes. I was nervous and awkward, but she made sure I had her cell phone number to call if I ever needed anything.
So I'm trying to carry what I experienced during my yoga practice with me today. Thankful for today, and accept what's going on right now.
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