Falling..and getting back up again...
I have been in another world for the past...month...or two...or three....or four.
I've written how I decided that 2018 was not going to be like any other year....and wow, it certainly wasn't. The ending of a relationship that was already over. The ending of a job that was stressing me out and making me more and more depressed by the week. The meeting and falling in like, in love, and living happily ever after with "the one" (yup, it happened). Going through a bit of internal battle trying to convince myself that I deserve to live happily ever after and that I deserve the one (this sounds easy....it should be easy....but I'm 38 and have been hurt many times). And finally, studying for a professional exam when....I've never made a good student.
Growing up, I always made the bare minimum mark to pass onto the next grade, the next year, the next required class. I had a hard time focusing, a hard time learning, a hard time figuring out what to study. I was never "bad enough" to need extra time from the teachers, but I was never "good enough" to feel good about myself in any classroom setting. I watched my peers get those good marks that I would dream of one day getting....and always berated myself for never getting the good marks. I would often give up.
So this time, for my professional exam, when I had taken some time to unwind after the end of the job, after the move, I took things seriously. I studied hard. I asked for help from those who had taken similar professional exams. I had my own personal cheerleader who kept me going when I felt like giving up. Slowly, I started to create intentions, mainly at my yoga classes, where my brain is given a much needed break.
Two weeks before the first of a series of three exams, I set my intention to BELIEVE in myself. I didn't realize it...but that's what it was really going to take to get through this exam. The entire week, when I felt doubtful or scared, or worried that I wasn't going to pass, I would write the word, "BELIEVE"on a piece of paper, and it would actually help. It kept my focus on truly having some belief in myself, the process, and in good things.
The week before my exam, I set my intention to have the COURAGE to believe in myself. Funny how I've climbed mountains in Africa, traveled the world solo, lived abroad for years...done all kinds of crazy things...but...I've never considered myself for a second to be courageous. So that's what I did for the entire week. I had the courage to believe in myself. Every day closer to the exam, I would take a practice test, and my results would continue to be great. Two days before the exam, I got 90% on my practice test. I was ready. I had the courage to continue to believe in myself. I was ready.
The day before my exam, I rested, I reviewed a few concepts, I prepared for....my marathon exam.
I wrote my exam. During the exam, I felt confusion. I struggled. The format of the questions....was very confusing to me. I struggled. I left and took a break, gave myself a little pep-talk, and went for a pee and drank some water....and went back to it.
I left feeling shaky, but certain that I passed.
I looked at my results....I needed a 600 to pass.
I got 580.
With all the work and preparation that I did....both on myself and for the exam....I still failed.
There was literally nothing more that I could have done to pass the exam. I failed...by what probably was 1 question....possibly 2.
My heart was in pieces. My confidence was shattered.
Yet, through my tears....life continued. I looked like a zombie....I was (and am still a little bit) like a zombie. Sure, I know that exams aren't my thing. But I poured every bit of everything that I had into this exam. I had the courage, FINALLY, to believe in myself. Finally, at 38 years old, life started to fall into place, and I still....failed my exam.
So...was it worth it? The money, well over $1000? The time? The stress?
I still have my bad moments....but yes.
Because...I learned how to believe in myself....and I failed. So now...I need to learn to have the courage to believe in myself....and fail....and get up again. And learn that sometimes, you do your best, and your best IS good enough, but you fail. So you pick yourself up again, and you start take a break, and go back to studying once you've started to look less like a zombie.
Thankfully I have been able to talk a lot to my mom who is here in Quebec, my boyfriend who has done professional exams before, and my father-in-law, who went through the same process when he was younger. I am so fortunate to have such a great support system. And I'm blessed to be able to learn these lessons with so many loving and caring people around me. <3
I've written how I decided that 2018 was not going to be like any other year....and wow, it certainly wasn't. The ending of a relationship that was already over. The ending of a job that was stressing me out and making me more and more depressed by the week. The meeting and falling in like, in love, and living happily ever after with "the one" (yup, it happened). Going through a bit of internal battle trying to convince myself that I deserve to live happily ever after and that I deserve the one (this sounds easy....it should be easy....but I'm 38 and have been hurt many times). And finally, studying for a professional exam when....I've never made a good student.
Growing up, I always made the bare minimum mark to pass onto the next grade, the next year, the next required class. I had a hard time focusing, a hard time learning, a hard time figuring out what to study. I was never "bad enough" to need extra time from the teachers, but I was never "good enough" to feel good about myself in any classroom setting. I watched my peers get those good marks that I would dream of one day getting....and always berated myself for never getting the good marks. I would often give up.
So this time, for my professional exam, when I had taken some time to unwind after the end of the job, after the move, I took things seriously. I studied hard. I asked for help from those who had taken similar professional exams. I had my own personal cheerleader who kept me going when I felt like giving up. Slowly, I started to create intentions, mainly at my yoga classes, where my brain is given a much needed break.
Two weeks before the first of a series of three exams, I set my intention to BELIEVE in myself. I didn't realize it...but that's what it was really going to take to get through this exam. The entire week, when I felt doubtful or scared, or worried that I wasn't going to pass, I would write the word, "BELIEVE"on a piece of paper, and it would actually help. It kept my focus on truly having some belief in myself, the process, and in good things.
The week before my exam, I set my intention to have the COURAGE to believe in myself. Funny how I've climbed mountains in Africa, traveled the world solo, lived abroad for years...done all kinds of crazy things...but...I've never considered myself for a second to be courageous. So that's what I did for the entire week. I had the courage to believe in myself. Every day closer to the exam, I would take a practice test, and my results would continue to be great. Two days before the exam, I got 90% on my practice test. I was ready. I had the courage to continue to believe in myself. I was ready.
The day before my exam, I rested, I reviewed a few concepts, I prepared for....my marathon exam.
I wrote my exam. During the exam, I felt confusion. I struggled. The format of the questions....was very confusing to me. I struggled. I left and took a break, gave myself a little pep-talk, and went for a pee and drank some water....and went back to it.
I left feeling shaky, but certain that I passed.
I looked at my results....I needed a 600 to pass.
I got 580.
With all the work and preparation that I did....both on myself and for the exam....I still failed.
There was literally nothing more that I could have done to pass the exam. I failed...by what probably was 1 question....possibly 2.
My heart was in pieces. My confidence was shattered.
Yet, through my tears....life continued. I looked like a zombie....I was (and am still a little bit) like a zombie. Sure, I know that exams aren't my thing. But I poured every bit of everything that I had into this exam. I had the courage, FINALLY, to believe in myself. Finally, at 38 years old, life started to fall into place, and I still....failed my exam.
So...was it worth it? The money, well over $1000? The time? The stress?
I still have my bad moments....but yes.
Because...I learned how to believe in myself....and I failed. So now...I need to learn to have the courage to believe in myself....and fail....and get up again. And learn that sometimes, you do your best, and your best IS good enough, but you fail. So you pick yourself up again, and you start take a break, and go back to studying once you've started to look less like a zombie.
Thankfully I have been able to talk a lot to my mom who is here in Quebec, my boyfriend who has done professional exams before, and my father-in-law, who went through the same process when he was younger. I am so fortunate to have such a great support system. And I'm blessed to be able to learn these lessons with so many loving and caring people around me. <3
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