39 and Blessed

A four-year old just sang me happy birthday.

I started the day with the intention to be grateful. Grateful because not everyone gets to grow old. Not everyone gets to grow old, or at least to be thirty-nine years old. But I do. And I get to have family and friends, and most of them are all living in the same city as I am right now.

Ihop first off, with said four-year old, his two-year old brother, and his parents. Then, driving to the airport to exchange my car. How can it be possible to live in a climate where it's regularly -30*C or -40*C, with blowing wind, regular dumps of snow, that it's not the law to have snow tires? My Nissan Versa, aka, clown car, was not equipped with snow tires. So off I went, in whiteout conditions, to pay $20 more per day, for freaking snow tires for the same clown car.

The plan was to meet my family afterwards to celebrate my birthday.

My brain...my...broken heart...and the elephant on my chest...was trying to tell me otherwise. I started to think of any reason why I couldn't go.
I did have a headache...was it a migraine? Nope.
My sinuses were bugging me...was I sick? Nope.
My cousin was coming in from Stony Plain...was it really safe to drive? She was coming. I guess she had snow tires.

I started crying. I pulled over.
I kept on crying.
How could I not attend my own birthday celebration? With my family?

I don't know. I couldn't? I could drive around to each of their houses....I could see them each day of the week...but I couldn't go to a restaurant...and celebrate my birthday.

Celebrating right now...hurts. It makes me cry....it makes me weep. I want to have that positive attitude...I want to rejoice in all of the blessings that I have...but I do not want to celebrate my birthday. I do not want candles. I do not want anyone to sing me happy birthday.

I broke down and called my grandma...and told her I would have to take a rain check, that my current brain and my current situation...lets me do two things per day. The drive to the airport and the breakfast...well those were my two things. This is temporary....but it's what I have right now.

After calming down, taking a few deep breaths, resting, crying a lot more....I went to the grocery store, and bought some mini cupcakes.

I brought them to where I'm staying, and the four-year old asked if he could sing me happy birthday. How could I resist.

He sang. I held my tears.

I am blessed.

Still heartbroken.

But blessed.