Mourning on the run
I don't write as often as I should. At different times writing here has served different purposes. When I lived in a far off world, foreign to most, it was a way to share my new normal with my friends and family. When I was stressed and couldn't figure out who to talk to about adjusting to the foreign place, it was a place to vent. It was a way to document my travels around the world. But more often, it was like having a coffee with a friend that just sat and listened and didn't offer their unwanted opinion. A friend that just sat and listened. Also, it was a way to document the present, so that I could go back and read what was going on a year ago, or a few months ago, and see how much my life has changed or how much I've evolved. And when things were really bad and I felt like I was just barely treading water, I could look back to those posts and see that I made it, and it would give me the courage to keep swimming harder with faster strokes when I needed to. Although....the swimming analogy is completely off, because...I'm sure I could get from point A to point B and stay above water...I don't actually know how to swim properly!
And now? The month of July was one that tested me SO MUCH. April had me in Africa and the Netherlands and yep, it tested me in different ways, but it brought me so much joy and gave me daily reminders of why I'm on this earth and that life will work itself out. May was difficult, but I was living on the farm, surrounded by love and friends and sheep and dogs and even started online dating, which is a hilarious trip that merits it's own blog. I suppose that if I was holding out all hopes on meeting my Prince Charming via an online dating app, maybe I would be frustrated by the process, but for now...it's an interesting social experiment, and just dating in general, is helping me learn a lot about myself and society. From May to present date I've had 5 or 6 occasions to meet up in person with these men, with three more this week (it's never like that, but, sometimes it just happens that way). I can't say that there's been anything wrong with any of them, but it's nice to see that...my intuition and gut feelings work. I just have to listen to them.
I think the best lie so far was a cowboy (yup, a real true live cowboy) was visiting a friend (who knows the relation of this friend) and he had told me all about this baby horse (a colt?), and I had asked for him to take a photo. He ended up staying overnight at said friend's house (and was already on his way out because I'm not an idiot), and when I asked for the photo, he told me that the baby horse just really didn't want his photo taken. Like, I guess he got security and asked for the paparazzi to be escorted out of the building and all photos were destroyed? It's a horse.
And I just continue and let them talk with their lies, and then come up with a, "You're such a great guy, but, blah blah blah, and a you'll make some woman really happy, blah blah blah.." because of the old saying, If you fight with an idiot.....you're the idiot.
Anyway, the dating is still fine and fun and getting me to explore Edmonton.
June came and then things started to get rough. My ex was very gracious and met me at the Edmonton airport with the best package of all. Maggie. Sweet little Maggie. I was so happy to see her, but I didn't like seeing my ex. I didn't know what my reaction would be. I started to shake a bit. My nerves were shot. We walked Maggie, talked a little bit, and then I just told him that I couldn't handle being around him. My friend was meeting me at the airport (one of my dating guys had given me a ride, it's a complicated logistics story) and she had yet to find me. I hugged him goodbye, knowing that this would truly be the last time that I saw him, and while I was hugging him, sobbing, it was like every single time that I've ever felt abandoned came rushing through my mind and my heart just ached. Also, at that very same time, I accidentally dialed my friend that was meeting me there. So all she heard was me sobbing - and she had no idea where I was. Thankfully, she saw to giant people and a little dog so she ran, just as I walked out of the airport to get some fresh air. I walked out of the airport, sobbing, holding Maggie, I sat on the bench and she found me, thankfully. I just sat there and let her hug me, crying, until it was over. That took a lot out of me.
It took me a few days...or maybe a few weeks to get over that experience. Having your heart broken, but then having to stay in touch, and then having your ex want to be your friend, isn't an easy experience. I don't think it's possible.
A few weeks later a moving van arrived with the items that my ex had packed that were mine. He was very kind to pack up all of my stuff. There was...a bit of a communication problem... I had wanted to have some kind of Facetime call...to make sure that the things that I knew that were in this corner of the guest room or that item in the basement closet got included...but we didn't manage to do that. While the big things arrived, minus a couch...a lot of the sentimental things...didn't. I didn't want to sound ungrateful. And...I don't think that there are many things that I'm attached to, but there are a few things that money can't replace. The things that I am attached to aren't worth a lot of money. A hiking backpack, a specific perfume bottle, a family crest from Scotland...but they weren't there. This was an extremely stressful time. Here I had the majority of my things...some of them I didn't even need! But I was fixated on those little things that weren't included.
The airport scene and the arrival of goods...sent me into a situation depression. I say situational depression - because it wasn't a depression that could be controlled with medication, it was...well...now that I'm coming out of it, I was in mourning. Some days, getting out of bed was a chore. For some reason in the last couple of weeks, life seems happier and sunnier, but eating and walking the dog was tough. Now I'm walking Maggie every night, plus doing more things that I do normally and being functional again....but...wow, I can't believe I didn't see it. All the other things going on in my life, the moves, the renos, the trip to Africa...sure I had sad moments....but those tough times in June and most of July... I was finally accepting and mourning. It all makes sense now. I'm not sure if any reader has made it thus far. But this is a big revelation for me.
Last week I went for my sensory deprivation tank (a big tank of salty water where I float) and I realized I had so much guilt that I was carrying around from my relationship. Guilt for not being a better partner. Guilt for not being happier. Guilt for not WHO KNOWS??? When I realized that, I let it go. It's not my guilt. I was me. I was the same me I always was. It's been since then that things have been clearer. That I've had more energy. (Well, except that I have a bit of some kind of gastro bug).
All of July I couldn't figure out what the freaking problem was...I was in mourning.
I'm not re-reading this post for errors. I'm just happy I figured out why everything seemed so much harder in July.
And cause I have gastro....and I gotta run. Man, I gotta keep writing.
And now? The month of July was one that tested me SO MUCH. April had me in Africa and the Netherlands and yep, it tested me in different ways, but it brought me so much joy and gave me daily reminders of why I'm on this earth and that life will work itself out. May was difficult, but I was living on the farm, surrounded by love and friends and sheep and dogs and even started online dating, which is a hilarious trip that merits it's own blog. I suppose that if I was holding out all hopes on meeting my Prince Charming via an online dating app, maybe I would be frustrated by the process, but for now...it's an interesting social experiment, and just dating in general, is helping me learn a lot about myself and society. From May to present date I've had 5 or 6 occasions to meet up in person with these men, with three more this week (it's never like that, but, sometimes it just happens that way). I can't say that there's been anything wrong with any of them, but it's nice to see that...my intuition and gut feelings work. I just have to listen to them.
I think the best lie so far was a cowboy (yup, a real true live cowboy) was visiting a friend (who knows the relation of this friend) and he had told me all about this baby horse (a colt?), and I had asked for him to take a photo. He ended up staying overnight at said friend's house (and was already on his way out because I'm not an idiot), and when I asked for the photo, he told me that the baby horse just really didn't want his photo taken. Like, I guess he got security and asked for the paparazzi to be escorted out of the building and all photos were destroyed? It's a horse.
And I just continue and let them talk with their lies, and then come up with a, "You're such a great guy, but, blah blah blah, and a you'll make some woman really happy, blah blah blah.." because of the old saying, If you fight with an idiot.....you're the idiot.
Anyway, the dating is still fine and fun and getting me to explore Edmonton.
June came and then things started to get rough. My ex was very gracious and met me at the Edmonton airport with the best package of all. Maggie. Sweet little Maggie. I was so happy to see her, but I didn't like seeing my ex. I didn't know what my reaction would be. I started to shake a bit. My nerves were shot. We walked Maggie, talked a little bit, and then I just told him that I couldn't handle being around him. My friend was meeting me at the airport (one of my dating guys had given me a ride, it's a complicated logistics story) and she had yet to find me. I hugged him goodbye, knowing that this would truly be the last time that I saw him, and while I was hugging him, sobbing, it was like every single time that I've ever felt abandoned came rushing through my mind and my heart just ached. Also, at that very same time, I accidentally dialed my friend that was meeting me there. So all she heard was me sobbing - and she had no idea where I was. Thankfully, she saw to giant people and a little dog so she ran, just as I walked out of the airport to get some fresh air. I walked out of the airport, sobbing, holding Maggie, I sat on the bench and she found me, thankfully. I just sat there and let her hug me, crying, until it was over. That took a lot out of me.
It took me a few days...or maybe a few weeks to get over that experience. Having your heart broken, but then having to stay in touch, and then having your ex want to be your friend, isn't an easy experience. I don't think it's possible.
A few weeks later a moving van arrived with the items that my ex had packed that were mine. He was very kind to pack up all of my stuff. There was...a bit of a communication problem... I had wanted to have some kind of Facetime call...to make sure that the things that I knew that were in this corner of the guest room or that item in the basement closet got included...but we didn't manage to do that. While the big things arrived, minus a couch...a lot of the sentimental things...didn't. I didn't want to sound ungrateful. And...I don't think that there are many things that I'm attached to, but there are a few things that money can't replace. The things that I am attached to aren't worth a lot of money. A hiking backpack, a specific perfume bottle, a family crest from Scotland...but they weren't there. This was an extremely stressful time. Here I had the majority of my things...some of them I didn't even need! But I was fixated on those little things that weren't included.
The airport scene and the arrival of goods...sent me into a situation depression. I say situational depression - because it wasn't a depression that could be controlled with medication, it was...well...now that I'm coming out of it, I was in mourning. Some days, getting out of bed was a chore. For some reason in the last couple of weeks, life seems happier and sunnier, but eating and walking the dog was tough. Now I'm walking Maggie every night, plus doing more things that I do normally and being functional again....but...wow, I can't believe I didn't see it. All the other things going on in my life, the moves, the renos, the trip to Africa...sure I had sad moments....but those tough times in June and most of July... I was finally accepting and mourning. It all makes sense now. I'm not sure if any reader has made it thus far. But this is a big revelation for me.
Last week I went for my sensory deprivation tank (a big tank of salty water where I float) and I realized I had so much guilt that I was carrying around from my relationship. Guilt for not being a better partner. Guilt for not being happier. Guilt for not WHO KNOWS??? When I realized that, I let it go. It's not my guilt. I was me. I was the same me I always was. It's been since then that things have been clearer. That I've had more energy. (Well, except that I have a bit of some kind of gastro bug).
All of July I couldn't figure out what the freaking problem was...I was in mourning.
I'm not re-reading this post for errors. I'm just happy I figured out why everything seemed so much harder in July.
And cause I have gastro....and I gotta run. Man, I gotta keep writing.
Comments
Post a Comment