The blues.

I'm looking out the window and everything seems like it should be fine. It's a nice, sunny day...but my brain and body are tired and worn down. Looking back at the posts when I first moved to Madagascar, it seems like I have some of the same patterns. They resemble something similar to that of a volatile stock chart:

Some weeks are perfect, flying by, getting tons accomplished, and then there are some weeks where I feel like it's difficult to do anything... My house feels messy no matter how often I'm picking up after myself, I'm breaking off plans, and I just can't seem to feel the real me. But since I'm me...I guess this is the real me. 

When I look back on my year-to-date...so much has happened:

January: Life changing, heart-crushing, devastating heartbreak. I've survived heartbreak before, but this was...well this was earth shattering. Not only was it heartbreak, my whole life changed. Everything that I thought was real wasn't and up and down and down was up. I don't go back to those days much, because I'm glad it happened then and not six months later...but yeah, it shook up my life so bad. I landed in Edmonton with a suitcase packed for two weeks. I never left.

February: I stayed at my cousin's house, which was not the right thing to do. I was either lonely or surrounded by dogs that I was allergic to, no matter how cute they were. I felt like I was always in the way, always doing something wrong. But, I was planning my camping trip to Africa. While...crying a lot of the time.

March/April: In Africa and Amsterdam. Healing my heart and soul and running away from life. 

April/May: Living at the farm with two of my friends. Healing my heart, living at the farm, loving the outdoors, crying a bit less, and laughing a bit more. Starting to play with the idea of casually dating and starting the freaking renovations of the condo.

June: Renos in full effect. All of my goods arrive from Quebec and a very traumatizing visit the airport where I see my ex BUT pick up my wonderful, wonderful dog. My brain gets thrown around in the mess of it all. But I'm so busy and so hyper with energy, I think I've healed. 

July: I'm exhausted. I'm now living alone. Maggie and I are adapting to Edmonton life...it's raining every day...I don't have a couch, I'm trying to do this on my own while reaching out and I'm just failing completely. 

While I write this, I know this isn't written in a positive view point. I know this isn't written with all the gratitude and love and support that I've had along the way. I was able to reconnect with friends, family, and practically family members and I plan on reconnecting more and more...but I just don't feel strong enough. For some reason the last two weeks have felt hard again. And what's making it even harder is that I have people to see and things to do. 

So I sent out an SOS. I asked my mom to come to Edmonton for a week. I need her help to get things done. I need someone to...well, to be my partner and help me take care of the errands that I haven't been taking care of myself. I don't like that I still need help like this. I want to be a grown up and take care of my own stuff...and I'm sure if I had a single galpal, we could have days where one day we do her stuff and one day we do my stuff. I had that arrangement when I had a single galpal that lived in Edmonton. Or, if I had a boyfriend...but I don't want the boy that comes with that. I'm not ready for that kinda stuff. I'm well over my ex, I don't want anything romantic or non-romantic to do with him...but I'm not over all of the life changes... and I don't want to bring anyone boyfriend into my life. That's pretty sad. 

Stay tuned...mom is coming here on Sunday and will hopefully help me get my shit together.