Hippy stuff: Compassion

Fall is among us. Geez, that sounds like an introduction to a sermon or something. But it's true. Fall is among us and it's time for me to ramble on and review the summer and set some intentions for the upcoming season.

There is one word for the fall season and it is:

COMPASSION

The main use will be compassion towards myself, however, for me to practice compassion towards myself, I have to practice compassion towards others as well. 

Let's just take a step back here and get the true definition of compassion: 

Dictionary version: This is a word for a very positive emotion that has to do with being thoughtful and decent. (this is kind

Biblical version: The meaning of compassion is to recognize the suffering of others, then take action to help. ... The Bible defines the meaning of compassion in several ways. We are to “speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves ... defend the rights of the poor and needy” (Proverbs 31:8-9, NIV).

Why do we need compassion:Scientific research suggests that being compassionate can improve our physical health, emotional well-being and naturally, our relationships. ... Because compassion is a natural human instinct we believe now that is essential to a healthy and fulfilling life. Compassion naturally bonds and connects us to others.

So here's the thing. (Get a coffee, this feels like a long post). I rang in 2019 with three of the most amazing people that I love so, so dearly, my amazing boyfriend (we have big plans and a great year ahead of us) and my in-laws. My mother-in-law is so caring and easy to talk to. I can literally speak to her about anything and I can feel the love when I walk in the room. My father-in-law...I'm literally the daughter he never had. He dotes on me and cares for me and drives me to the dentist and plans special meals for me...he's like the father/grandfather that's been missing from my life, and I love him so much. There are time on the way home from their place that I ask my partner why my pops-in-law loves me so overtly and what I'm doing to deserve his love, and my partner responds that his parents are just so happy that he's happy and with such a wonderful person. 

Twenty three days later, I was crying as I was doing errands, I hadn't been feeling well, my stomach was on the fritz again, I was eating my rice/banana diet to try to calm it, my partner and I had a fight, and I just felt like I would never be enough for him, which is what I said on the phone to my mom as I cried in the parking lot as I spoke to her... The other line rang and it was the boyfriend and he said he was coming home early to speak with me. I was happy, I thought he was coming home to talk to me and figure things out. For a month or so...I felt like I had been chasing him. He had been denying it, saying that any stress he had was work stress...and nothing else.

He came home...everything felt so quiet. Everything felt different. He didn't take off his shoes or his briefcase. He told me that he had been feeling unhappy for the last few months and that he was finished with us. 

My world stopped. 

The rest of the details don't matter. I spent a few days alone in the house with Maggie, Joséphine, and Napoléon. My bff from Edmonton texted me every few hours. One of his texts read, "What are you doing right now?". I wrote back, "Just watching Netflix to dull my brain.". He replied, "We have Netflix at our house."

And that was that. Why would I stay in Quebec where not one person had come over to see if I was ok? Exactly one week later I left with a suitcase packed for two weeks and I never returned to Quebec again. 

I arrived January 30th and as of January 31st, absolutely nothing has gone as planned. While I'm happy to be in the same city as many people that I love and that support me and that have supported me through this very difficult seven months, it has been a complete shit show. 

Through the shit show, I've been doing what has to get done, sometimes rolling through it all like a machine until I completely pass out. At one point I was sick with a cold/cough/tonsillitis because I was able to run myself until I had no more energy left. Other times, I had zero energy to make myself something to eat, grabbing Ben & Jerry's at the Mac's just down the road, you know, health energy food. And through the shit show, I have rarely had a moment of compassion where I sat down and thought, Hey, remember when I came here on January 30th, my face completely grey (this happens when I'm sick or very stressed), unable to do more than one errand at a time, barely unable to eat - never mind ice cream, unable to have any kind of fun, unable to socialize, unable to handle things for myself, unable to have a life of my own? I was a zombie. Since then, I went camping in Africa (this brought me back to life, as extremely difficult as it was), carried out a the renovations or the execution of the renovations of my condo (or almost finished...if that ever happens), plus adjusting to a new city (yes, it's a new city. If you're away for 10 years, it's a new city). Trying to speak in English all of the time instead of French (this has been much harder than I thought). And...the biggest? Living on my own, being on my own, and have a life that's just Maggie and I. While I'm not ready to open my heart to anyone (and I feel like it may never be some days), it's really tough learning to live on your own again. I haven't once let felt proud of everything that I've done, or shown myself some compassion for not getting everything done that I've had to get done, or given myself a break for just not being perfect. 

The thing is...this isn't new. Since I was very young, I've been hard on myself. This didn't push me to go farther in life or reach for the stars, it just discouraged me. Like its doing now. So all fall, I'm going to be reading, writing (maybe), and practicing compassion for me and for others. Why for others? It's proven that if you can't practice compassion for others - than it's impossible to practice self-compassion. 

I think this is one of the hardest challenges that I will have to face yet. To learn to practice compassion for others...even those that are driving you crazy...and to have compassion for myself...man. This hippy sh*t is all great and good...and I know that it's good for me. And yes, I'm going to do it, but even writing it down seems impossible. That's a great attitude, hey? Ok, deep breathe. 

September, October, and November are going to be focused around compassion and I am committed to writing once a week about a topic about compassion or how it's going in my life. I'm also going to make a list of Africa travel posts...and try to get those done because I don't want to let them slip away without me writing about them. They are just too important. 

Ok, I have to go braid my underarm hair and apply some patchouli.