I hope.

Well. Wasn’t I having a day on Sunday?! It’s hard sometimes not to plan for the future…when the future is so uncertain. It’s also easy for me to start to spiral into my circle of negativity. Let’s face it, this hasn’t been the best year of my life…but has it been the worst? Nope. It’s been a fight, but it’s also given me perspective. Unfortunately, I don’t always have a positive perspective. It’s hard to see what I have in front of me sometimes. The reality is, I have a lot more than most. The reality also is that Alberta is hit hard economically. Retailers, restaurants, and all kinds of  companies are closing down and more and more people are without a job.

I think I thought that that it was somehow my fault that I didn’t have a job…like taking time off to study or not working in so long had ruined me in some way. No, it hadn’t. There are no jobs in my field right now. I’m working a temp job that doesn’t pay half of my regular salary, has no benefits, and has an extra-long commute, but at least I’m managing. I didn’t just sit at home.  

Do you know what’s changed my perspective? (Let’s hope it stays this way for a little bit. Please, pretty, pretty please!!!). I’ve started taking deep breaths. Like, often. More than often. I realized that at work and throughout my day, I had become so anxious that I wasn’t breathing properly. I was so worried about making a mistake or not getting things done fast enough and I was so focused that I wasn’t taking deep enough breaths. All of this sounds insane. I run, I work out, I meditate, I do floats, I do everything that I’m supposed to help my overall self-care and mental health (except when I let it slide a bit)… but I don’t take deep breaths. Ridiculous! My anxiety has decreased significantly. My work has been more accurate, and I’m less tired at the end of the day.

My life is still all up in the air. I’m still just as scared as I was when I wrote my last post. But it’s a scary time. Or a very uncertain time. I am one of the people that’s effected by the economy, and a cross country move, and well…a lot of changes in my life that would have anyone losing their minds from time to time.
 So, let’s hope for more job interviews, or, even better yet, A JOB, and some stability in this instable time. Or maybe, I’ll continue to hope that I can learn to take long, deep, cleansing breaths, and that I can’t truly take one moment at a time. I don’t know what better to ask for right now. ❤️