40.

This is 40. A little sleepy. A little makeup leftover from last night. But still 40.

39 was one of the hardest years of my life but it taught me more than I could have ever hoped. 40 is going to have some bumps in the road. I keep seeing the numbers "40" and thinking I can't possibly be THAT old...I'm still somewhere in my twenties...and then I think...thank God I'm 40.

Thank God I was able to spend those years in Madagascar, surviving and thriving and travelling the world. A cross between a gift on a silver platter and a poisonous apple. The joys of living in a third world country where one truly learns about what really matters; the joys of meeting people that I would have never known if I hadn't been 15,000km away from "home";  the joys of travelling the world to the most remote places, seeing the most incredible sights and living experiences to this day that I still can't believe or make sense of; the heartbreaking sadness of living next to extreme poverty; the complete mind fuck of returning to the "first world" and trying to try to adapt to it - it's been nearly six years and I still haven't fully adapted and I still hear Africa calling me back from time to time.

Thank God I pushed through those years in my thirties, where I finally received the proper diagnosis of depression and I fought and fought and spent tens of thousands of dollars travelling to the USA (because I was in Quebec at the time and could not get any care for 18+months) and so much of time to find out what was going on in the background so that I could FEEL HAPPINESS. And real happiness, not sort of happiness.

Thank God I was able to travel with my family and friends. The trip that I took with my grandparents, my mom, my friends, my ex-husband and his girls - the memories will never fade.

Thank God I made it down from Mount Kenya. This was by far the most brave and MOST STUPID thing that I ever did.


Thank God I have the family that I do. Last week was one of the harder ones when I was worried about my grandma and I was very quickly reminded that we all rally together when we need to.

Thank God I have the friends that I do. Some are like family and I am blessed to have them.

Thank God that I never gave up. I have been overwhelmed with my life and my depression and I have had those dark thoughts. I have always had those scary, dark thoughts and I have always reached out and Thank God there was always someone there to reach back.

Thank God that I keep trying and persevering. Thank God that I am the strong woman that I am today and thank God that I have started to finally realize that!

Thank God that I met my hilarious little dog and that I sort of kidnapped her from my ex-husband. I taught her tricks, I gave her a real dog life, and yes, I spoil her because she is the smartest dog and I feel like I have a few years to make up for when she spent all day in her crate. She makes me laugh every.single.day and brings so much joy to so many people.

Thank God that I have had my health and I have the gift to age to 40 years old. Next to my paternal grandfather's gravestone is a girl that died at 17. I always leave her some flowers too...because it reminds me that I have been given the gift of life every single day.

Thank God I have chosen the path to continue to grow and to continue to find my way to happiness and self acceptance.

I have a very blessed life. I may not always be as grateful as I set out to be. I may stress over the little things. I may see that molehill as a mountain. I may not remember that I am stronger than I think. I'm still a very sensitive person that hides their emotions. I'm still someone that freaks out when I think things should be more perfect. I'm also someone that will love you hard and unconditionally. I'm still that someone that will laugh at the more inappropriate times and make the more inappropriate comments. I will overshare but in a way that makes you laugh and feel included. I will always help you when you are stuck in a pinch. I will help you organize any room or do your laundry. I'm sure I have some better qualities, but I like those ones. And that's it. I'm 40.


I feel the same as yesterday, but it feels pretty damn good none the less. Yay for 40.