Fear

Remember way back when I started writing this blog. Life was challenging. Fifteen thousand kilometres from home, living in a world with no tall buildings (I remember the first time that our city got an escalator and people would ride it for fun), spotty electricity, cyclones, you name it. I remember that I would occasionally find peanut butter in the grocery stores and buy a few to have on hand and later learned to buy some while on vacation and store in our duplex...I remember that for months it seemed like Tuesdays were almost impossible, almost always leaving me in tears.

Slowly I acclimated, with the help of friends that quickly became my new expatriate family. I was no longer alone in this new world. I had my share of ups and downs, all kinds of new experiences - some bad, some good, some terrible, some wonderful, but I did it with my new family. I'm fortunate enough to still be in good contact with a lot of them, even chatting with one of them this week. We would be seeing each other in person right now, but we can't.

I think that for the most part I have been handing THEVIRUS crisis pretty well. I don't watch television coverage. I read about it (still probably a bit too much...but less than 20 minutes a day) and I try to think back to that time in Madagascar when everything was impossible. I remember in the very beginning I would spend sometimes hours a day figuring how I would get to work in the city because I didn't have a driver assigned to me.

I have had my freakouts.

One of them was yesterday. I had a horrible stomach pains throughout the night before and throughout the day...I wasn't able to eat much and because of THEVIRUS I had been procrastinating grocery shopping. I mean, it's not just grocery shopping anymore. It's all of the steps and thinking involved:

• Will there be a line up outside? (It's kind of chilly right now)
• Will the people in the line up respect my physical distance? (I don't mind asking someone to step back, but it's a pain)
• When in the store - Will there be the sundries that I need? (I try to only go grocery shopping once every 2 weeks)
• Will the shoppers in the store respect my physical distance?
• Will I have to go to another store to get what I need?
• What groceries do I have to wash before putting away inside my fridge?

While in the store, I have to be mindful of my presence and mindful of other people around me to make sure we are giving each other enough physical distance and all except for Canadian Tire, I have had positive experiences. It's not that I am so paranoid that I don't want to get sick - some circumstances are beyond my control. It's that I don't want to get sick RIGHT NOW. It's very possible that in my lifetime, I may get THEVIRUS, but getting it right now comes with a lot of consequences that may not be there if I were to get it in let's say, one year. (Ideally, I would never get THEVIRUS, but we're talking hypothetical here). 

Anyway, so last night I decided that the benefits outweigh the risk, and here in Canada, they are really encouraging us to support local restaurants and eat out when we can. So, because of my empty fridge and my upset stomach, I ordered some soup and other things. 

I received a call from the lobby asking me to go downstairs and pick it up. I told him no, he can come upstairs. His response in broken was, "I can't use elevator. I am fear."

My first response. I am so angry. Why do I pay these delivery charges if I he's not going to bring it upstairs for me? I am sick. I stormed downstairs and thrust out my hand to accept the food, maintaining as much distance as I could. He had his gloves and a mask on and I regretfully thanked him and barely made eye contact.

This man is driving around the city, in the snow, delivering food to how many people, and he is scared, taking every precaution he can, he doesn't know how our elevator "policy" works (like if two people can ride at the same time - which as of now there are no signs but I refuse to ride the elevator with someone else), and he is scared. Instead of anger and frustration, I should be thanking him for delivering my food. 

It made me look at my food and I was "fear" to eat it. I haven't eaten out and I have only prepared my own meals. "They" say that this is not a food born illness....that the risk lies more on the plastic wrapping around the food (ok, unless someone got droplets in the food, etc), but I truly thought about it for enough time for my soup to get very cold. 

I regretted how I treated my delivery man and I wished that I could have sent him a message of thanks and kindness. 

Everyone has their days of fear with THEVIRUS. Yesterday was my day. I've had another one, but the story isn't that great. 

I've mainly been focusing on the good in the world right now. While the fear is pulling us apart, the good in people is pulling us together. There are so many movements world-wide to thank first-line workers, be it "Hearts in the Window" (you can Google that and come up with so many stories), or "car birthdays" where neighborhoods drive around the block when it's a child's birthday, or an entire block lined with cars to celebrate a 15 year-old's homecoming after her final round of chemo. There is SO MUCH GOODNESS in the world, despite the fear. 

Yesterday was not a good day for me...today I am concerned because patients that I have recovered in China are now testing positive again...but I can just do what I can do and continue to try and spread small acts of kindness...and be kind to everyone I see. And be thankful. 

This is a scary time, but I don't have to get sucked into the fear.