JUNE 2020
Life seems to have blown past me for the last few (or more) months. Pre-virus, my life was too eventful. It left my brain scrambled and confused, my body tired and beat up (figuratively), and my psyche...in shambles.
Post-virus, my brain is significantly less scrambled and confused, my body is less tired (but a little beat up as I rolled my ankle and can't run for awhile), and my psyche is in a constant state of flux.
The world as it stands today is overwhelming, scary, confusing, and to me...feels like it's in shambles. And on that very same note, there is so much beauty in the world every day. People are starting to speak to one another again. Neighbors have become neighbors and not strangers. Pollution levels are lower and the nature is shining through.
For the last two weeks, my anxiety has been incredibly high. Phone calls crying to a friend or family member, medication on some days, meditation, examining my though processes and trying to find joyful things in my life have helped. But I still have that feeling that life is going by too fast...all while I'm (mostly) patiently waiting for the world to reopen.
I want to have regular, meaningful work again.
I want to have strong, meaningful friendships and relationships with my family.
I want to feel like I am healthy - mind and body.
The last one seems nearly impossible right now. While my brain and body are healthier than they have been in a really, really long time...there is something holding me back. I can't feel healthy because I've realized, with embarrassment, that I am so ridiculously hard on myself. Now that the fog has lifted and my brain is working better...I have become so aware of how much I beat myself up and how much my...self-hatred, to use a general term, is running my life.
There is a positive to this.....I have become aware. Prior to this, I lived my life thinking that this was normal. That I didn't hold myself to an unattainable standard. Now that I have this awareness...I can start to break down my thoughts, and as impossible as this sounds - change my thought process.
One of the techniques that I'm using for this is called a thought log...I don't feel like getting into the details, but here's a couple of photos for reference.
I also want to start writing again. On THIS blog. THIS blog was my baby for so many years and I have neglected it because I felt that the topics I chose didn't belong here. But this is mine and I'm taking it back again.
I'll write when I feel like writing and I don't have to have a point or a message. I can write whatever I want to write...because it feels good.
But for today, I want to take a message that I watched on an Instagram account that I follow.
Tomorrow is going to be a new month. I am going to start June with a note of forgiveness, love, life, focusing on my self-care while helping others (a huge challenge for me). I am going to focus on the good of the whole. I will focus on letting go of the anger, resentment, hate, self-hate. I am going to turn this around and it's my responsibility to do so. I am going to do differently. I am going to start small because the sum of those smalls can be something great. I have a lot of thinking to do today...a lot of lists to make and items to add into my calendar so that this month doesn't feel like it went by in vain. And at the end of the month...or hell, at the end of the week, I want to focus on the progress that I've made...even if it can only be measured by a teeny tiny microscope.
Post-virus, my brain is significantly less scrambled and confused, my body is less tired (but a little beat up as I rolled my ankle and can't run for awhile), and my psyche is in a constant state of flux.
The world as it stands today is overwhelming, scary, confusing, and to me...feels like it's in shambles. And on that very same note, there is so much beauty in the world every day. People are starting to speak to one another again. Neighbors have become neighbors and not strangers. Pollution levels are lower and the nature is shining through.
For the last two weeks, my anxiety has been incredibly high. Phone calls crying to a friend or family member, medication on some days, meditation, examining my though processes and trying to find joyful things in my life have helped. But I still have that feeling that life is going by too fast...all while I'm (mostly) patiently waiting for the world to reopen.
I want to have regular, meaningful work again.
I want to have strong, meaningful friendships and relationships with my family.
I want to feel like I am healthy - mind and body.
The last one seems nearly impossible right now. While my brain and body are healthier than they have been in a really, really long time...there is something holding me back. I can't feel healthy because I've realized, with embarrassment, that I am so ridiculously hard on myself. Now that the fog has lifted and my brain is working better...I have become so aware of how much I beat myself up and how much my...self-hatred, to use a general term, is running my life.
There is a positive to this.....I have become aware. Prior to this, I lived my life thinking that this was normal. That I didn't hold myself to an unattainable standard. Now that I have this awareness...I can start to break down my thoughts, and as impossible as this sounds - change my thought process.
One of the techniques that I'm using for this is called a thought log...I don't feel like getting into the details, but here's a couple of photos for reference.
I also want to start writing again. On THIS blog. THIS blog was my baby for so many years and I have neglected it because I felt that the topics I chose didn't belong here. But this is mine and I'm taking it back again.
I'll write when I feel like writing and I don't have to have a point or a message. I can write whatever I want to write...because it feels good.
But for today, I want to take a message that I watched on an Instagram account that I follow.
Tomorrow is going to be a new month. I am going to start June with a note of forgiveness, love, life, focusing on my self-care while helping others (a huge challenge for me). I am going to focus on the good of the whole. I will focus on letting go of the anger, resentment, hate, self-hate. I am going to turn this around and it's my responsibility to do so. I am going to do differently. I am going to start small because the sum of those smalls can be something great. I have a lot of thinking to do today...a lot of lists to make and items to add into my calendar so that this month doesn't feel like it went by in vain. And at the end of the month...or hell, at the end of the week, I want to focus on the progress that I've made...even if it can only be measured by a teeny tiny microscope.
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