Somber

I don't, nor will I ever, understand today's reality. The threat war, civil unrest, pandemics have always been there...but in my mind and my life, have been far, far away in another world.  Not in my daily life.

I haven't watched the news in nearly a year. Occasionally, I'll check out Google News for the odd update. I'm so tired of the doom and gloom, yet it can't be denied. 

This morning I listened to a few stories of family members that have lost a loved one to COVID and all I heard in their voices was the feeling of helplessness. They desperately tried to remain in contact with their loved one while they went through the degrading stages of death. They never wanted their loved one to feel alone, yet somehow the family feels like they failed regardless.

I'm sad of the division that this virus has created. Those that believe, those that do not. Those that support the idea of wearing masks and respecting the guidelines/laws to minimize transmission of the virus, and those that feel that it can't happen to them. While there is plenty to debate like our civil rights and liberties - we are in a pandemic and individually we each need to do as much as we possibly can to help our communities stay safe. 

I'm also feeling anxious and fearful. Strict lockdowns were announced in Montreal, with the same likely to follow in parts of Ontario later this week...it makes me even more scared of the isolation that we will face while we wait for the pandemic to be in a more controlled state. I watched tv last night and every single commercial break had a message from the CAMH, in an effort to prevent suicide. I get it, because I live that fear as well. Suicide rates, drug overdoses, all the scary things that come from being isolated and alone are rampant. 

When the pandemic began, I was always searching for the positives. The stories of extreme kindness, the gift of time that allowed us to slow down and breathe, and evaluating what is truly important in life - rather than the fast paced, materialistic, now-now-now life that we were accustomed to. 

Now, even though the vaccination process has began and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's a sad time. The pandemic and other world events that went down in the dumpster-fire of a year in 2020 carry on into 2021. I briefly read some news headlines from the USA, specifically Washington, and I am losing my faith in humanity. Have the restrictions and fear of the pandemic let (some) people run wild, losing all sense of what is right and just and fair? Have I just been living in a bubble? 

My mind is heavy today. I have been wanting to write for a long time - certainly nothing so somber...I hope to look back in this post in six months and see that the light at the end of the tunnel is closer and shining brightly.