Just NB

This song came on today while I was driving and I fell in love with it. It made me think of our first kiss (in the parking lot of a cheesy restaurant about four days after our first date) and everything after. Before "us", I thought that I had to be some kind of perfect version of myself to be in a relationship. I planned to not date for a really long time, until I had reached a place where I felt like I, "had it together". The truth is, NO one has it together 100% of the time, and if I met someone while I was in my imperfect state...well even better because, 1) No one is perfect, and 2) If he can love me with all of my imperfections, then we can really talk business. Business of building a family with a strong foundation, a solid core, and an infinite number of opportunities for the future. I wish I could see it like that all of the time...but I have to admit I have my moments where I think that he is all too good for me. Although.....if I were to make a li...

Lately...I’ve had a few…well, ok, more than a few moments. Many moments. Where I ask myself, Is this really my life? Is this…what real happiness feels like?  With all the changes in my life the last few years (plus struggling with my depression), I have had happy moments, happy days, happy weeks. I think that I laugh regularly. And maybe looking back something felt missing…but I didn’t truly realize it. I felt alone….a lot. But…I was also..kind of used to it. Now…I feel like I’m on the fourth day of a really great vacation that just blows your mind and you think to yourself…Wow, how did I get here? My life is far from perfect. I have family, finance, work, and other life concerns/worries… and I’m scared to say it out loud. But I am. So. Happy. I met this man…who is so wonderful….in so many ways… and I think…was all this hard work leading up to this? If so…it was worth it.  Yep, we’ve only been together for two months. Two short months. But two months whe...

I'll start off with the total highlight of my day. I found my old iPod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been going crazy trying to find it this week, but super extra crazy to find it today. My hallway looks like some kind of laundry/paper/yarn (don't know how that's in there)/box bomb went off. But finding my iPod was the one and only thing that I could do today that would make me feel better. I haven't written much about things lately. I honestly don't know how to talk about it. In case you haven't got it already on Instagram or Facebook or on this blog before, my grandpa is a very wonderful man, and isn't like any old grandpa. He has made a huge difference in my life and I feel lucky to have grown up with a grandpa like him. My grandpa is funny, charismatic, can pretty much fix anything that's broken, and you can call him anytime for directions on how to get somewhere in Edmonton (which I STILL did until I left for Madagascar). But a cardiac su...

So I've written about "all these plans to look forward to", but I haven't eluded to much else. There's lots of change to come and lots of travelling. Two weeks from now I'll be somewhere over the ocean...or maybe in London. I'm flying Edmonton to Calgary to London to Johannesburg to Tana to meet Louis. We'll fly to Toamasina Monday morning, he'll go to work and I'll hang around camp or whatever. I can't remember if March is still warm enough for me to get some pool time in...but I hope so. Two weeks later, we'll both fly to Tana to Joberg to London, where we'll part ways for about a week. He'll fly to Montreal and I'll fly back to Edmonton. After dropping off his suitcase and spending a bit of time at home, Louis will join me in Edmonton for the month of April. He'll help me pack up, spend time with my friends and family, our friends, and spend some time together in good ol' Etown. (At an undetermined date) We'...

Well, the big day finally came. I somehow survived a week of intense anxiety (mixed with excitement) until Saturday. I woke up feeling pretty good actually. I ate, went to the gym, and even stayed for a second class to try to wear off as much energy as I could. (I joined the Zumba train. I look like I'm like, loser drunk, but it's totally worth a laugh and some cardio as well!!). I was late getting to the airport, like the drive wasn't already driving me insane!!! I watched the GPS showing a countdown of how many minutes until I'd be at the airport. I was focused on driving...getting there on time...but seeing "12 minutes to destination" then "6 minutes to destination"...well, it was just a crazy feeling. Totally inexplicable. Totally overwhelming. Somehow, I made it on time and waited...feeling shaky but dry eyed. (I know, right?) I anxiously watched as the doors opened and finally I saw Louis. Cue the waterworks. (I was getting a little...

Every post that I've tried to write since my big announcement has come off incredibly defensive and like, Oh woah is me. I've hit "Delete All" too many times. So I'll try it again. I feel like I am so lucky, so blessed, and that I am so fortunate to live the life that I live. But I've been feeling like that for some time - before this big decision was made. Going through tough times...well, for me anyway, made me realize just how much time and energy was wasted being unhappy. And now? Since Louis and I are back together (in some kind of odd-but-feeling-totally-natural kind of way), I still feel like that blessed person...only more so. Because now we have another chance together. Ok, so we're in for a tough road, counselling, moving, adjustments, blah blah blah (Or Bob Loblaw for any Arrested Development fans), but...this decision wasn't hastily made. It was made because I made a commitment; because I truly believe that when I married Louis, I mar...

I know that given the circumstances, I'm doing well with what's going on. A cross continental move, an attempt at creating a home in a new city, the ending of my marriage, followed by an eventual move back to Edmonton. I'm often hard on myself for having the bad days, and even harder on myself for having the good days. I feel like it's too soon to be happy, it's too soon to experience joy, and that I shouldn't let anything good happen. Divorce is, pardon the language, a complete fucking mind-fuck that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And I have the good life in all of this. I think I'm a visual person, because when I started thinking about the overall process, I instantly pictured a graph. (Ok, I'm a visual person and a spreadsheet dork!). If the horizontal axis is Time , and the vertical level is my Happiness Level , or Acceptance of This Fucked Up Process , or General Dealing with this Process , this is what I picture it looking like. ...