Prescription: Vitamins, Water, and Confidence
Sometimes I write mega personal blog posts and then don't post them because I don't want just anyone or everyone to read them. Today I don't care. I want to write this, and then look back in a month to see that things have improved. Also, Disclosure: Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just having a rough...I don't know...period. (Not like "menstrual period" but like, "time period"). Looking back on my blog, my life, everything, they seem to happen from time to time. The only difference is, even though I've been here for what seems like forever, I live in a weird world in weird circumstances. Sometimes the weirdness of it all is...overwhelming.
I'm not sure about this expat thing. I'm not sure if I'm happy doing it. I'm not sure if maybe I'm just having a bad day, or a bad week, or whatever. I'm not sure if I'm just not adjusting to having my Canada home in a city I don't know (renting a car in September so that I can drive myself around and feel more "at home"), adjusting to a new job, or adjusting to married life (although essentially nothing has changed, it seems like everything has changed).
Maybe I need to travel less and spend more time in Canada. But even then, it feels odd trying to establish a life for myself when my family is in Alberta and my other family is in Quebec. My other "new" family, that I'm slowly adjusting to but not totally. I love the girls. Louis' family is awesome. But it's not what I'm used to and it's new.
The new job is an incredible opportunity but I feel like I'm going in a million directions at the same time. I'm spending five minutes on thirty different tasks and not quite feeling productive. On top of it, I deal less with the nationals and more with English speaking people. I'm losing my French while not quite regaining my English. My work seems to get more attention, but it seems like I'm fighting with everyone all the time. Arguing, standing my ground to show that I can't be pushed around, taking energy to battle the most pointless things - just to get a small amount of work done...I'm frustrated. To add to the...intensity of the feeling I guess, my boss has been involved in some work that has taken him out of the country for some time, and I feel a bit lost. We are speaking tomorrow and we will have a more open dialogue in August. Which will help.
I know that Louis wants to remain an expatriate, at least for a few more years. I don't know anymore. I want to know that whatever path we take, our relationship will stay strong. I think Louis knows that more than I do. I wish I could remember that we are in this together, as a team. I forget it too often and I'm lucky Louis reminds me, but I'm getting tired of forgetting it. I would think that I could remember it by now. I'm frustrated that he has to remind me. Louis tells me that in his 40s he gained a lot more confidence. Since I'm surrounded by people in their 40s and 50s, I'd like to think that they could transfer me some confidence via osmosis, or perhaps telepathically?
I feel like in my 20's, I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life, I struggled to find something that I liked, and then finally I found it. And then I was bored. Now, I'm in my 30's and I far less confident than I was in my 20s. The world has opened up about a thousand new doors and I'm not sure what one I should take.
I need to give my new job six months. I wrongly assumed that because I was staying on the same project, that I would just naturally jump into my new role without any adjustment period. There are positives that I bring from my previous role, but there are certainly gaps in my new role that I'm not filling. It's not a fun feeling. I don't feel like I've been productive. I don't feel like I've contributed. That is not a good feeling to have, especially for me.
I have never considered myself a super achiever, nor do I want to be. I'm never going to be one of those people that can work until 2am, or that will come to work on the weekends when I don't have to, but sometimes I feel like that's what "people" view as a good worker.
I'm getting tired of people asking if my marriage is "legal in Canada" and I'm getting tired of talking about my last name. I worry that I'll never get married in Canada because I'm never there long enough. I don't know if getting married in Canada is important to me, or if taking Louis' last name is important to me. Five years ago, it would have been. Now, it seems like the Canada marriage and name change would just be a way to fill an insecurity that I have because I want a guarantee that it will work out. Regardless that we've already expressed our commitment to each other, and having a Canada wedding or changing my last name, doesn't change anything, but some days I want a legal guarantee. Even though, for the cost of a Coach purse or two, the legal guarantee can be unguaranteed.
I worry that I'll never have that "flash" moment where I decide, Oohhhh, okay, now I'm ready for kids. I'm worried that I won't want kids until my ovaries are all dried up.
I worry about my family and friends back home. I worry that I tell them too much. I worry that I don't tell them enough. I worry that I worry so much sometimes. I worry that I stress Louis out when I worry. I worry that I don't tell him enough. I worry that I tell him too much. I'm scared for a friend that is fighting cancer, I think I think about it too much. I don't worry about a family member that is having some health complications, because the moment I think about it, I burst into tears. I ask for fairly generic updates. Louis knows more about whatever procedures that are going on than I do. I get the general thumbs up or thumbs down tone or info from the email, forward the details to him, and then if anyone asks, Louis can explain it. I remember four or five years ago, my aunts, uncles, mom, met with my grandparents because they were updating their will. I cried the entire time. It wasn't a sad event. It wasn't anything stressful. I just can't seem to accept that they won't always be in my life. So I sat at their dining room table crying. Geez, I have some overactive tear ducts.
I'm sad that a lot of the friendships that I have, or had, in Canada have dwindled down. Between the work hours and time difference, email seems to be my main way of connecting with everyone, and not everyone is an "email" kind of person. I'm happy for the very few friends that I do have, that when we get together, it's like no time has passed at all, but I miss the interaction. I'm tired of the, "What's new" emails and I just want to have like, normal conversations. I don't think "normal" can be defined anymore.
I think I'm tired. I think I need to take vitamins. I think I need to write more about what's going on here, and let the people that I'm worried about worry - and remember that they are strong and won't fall apart if they worry for a moment here or there. I used to write about it here when I was scared, lonely, happy, sad. And now it's a "this is what I did today" or "this is what I did on vacation", but other than that, it's nothing. I took a big step back from exposing my emotions because I checked on Google Reader and saw that it wasn't just five people reading my blog. I think I need to suck it up and really think about it. Anything that I write on here shows that I am a human being, with screwed up (normal) emotions, living a different life than I thought I would, and dealing with the fun, sad, happy, angry, and confusing times. I was all worried that people from work would read this, when, screw it. If they read it, then, Hey!!! I'm in a new role now and I don't always know what to do!!!! Oh, and I worry a lot!!! And I'm half crazy!!! But if I work with you then so are you!!!! and leave it at that.
I think I need to focus on the fact, that no matter what has happened in my life, I've always managed to make it out alive and on my feet. I also think I need to focus on getting my ass to the gym and getting some endorphins. And of course, take some vitamins.
I'm not sure about this expat thing. I'm not sure if I'm happy doing it. I'm not sure if maybe I'm just having a bad day, or a bad week, or whatever. I'm not sure if I'm just not adjusting to having my Canada home in a city I don't know (renting a car in September so that I can drive myself around and feel more "at home"), adjusting to a new job, or adjusting to married life (although essentially nothing has changed, it seems like everything has changed).
Maybe I need to travel less and spend more time in Canada. But even then, it feels odd trying to establish a life for myself when my family is in Alberta and my other family is in Quebec. My other "new" family, that I'm slowly adjusting to but not totally. I love the girls. Louis' family is awesome. But it's not what I'm used to and it's new.
The new job is an incredible opportunity but I feel like I'm going in a million directions at the same time. I'm spending five minutes on thirty different tasks and not quite feeling productive. On top of it, I deal less with the nationals and more with English speaking people. I'm losing my French while not quite regaining my English. My work seems to get more attention, but it seems like I'm fighting with everyone all the time. Arguing, standing my ground to show that I can't be pushed around, taking energy to battle the most pointless things - just to get a small amount of work done...I'm frustrated. To add to the...intensity of the feeling I guess, my boss has been involved in some work that has taken him out of the country for some time, and I feel a bit lost. We are speaking tomorrow and we will have a more open dialogue in August. Which will help.
I know that Louis wants to remain an expatriate, at least for a few more years. I don't know anymore. I want to know that whatever path we take, our relationship will stay strong. I think Louis knows that more than I do. I wish I could remember that we are in this together, as a team. I forget it too often and I'm lucky Louis reminds me, but I'm getting tired of forgetting it. I would think that I could remember it by now. I'm frustrated that he has to remind me. Louis tells me that in his 40s he gained a lot more confidence. Since I'm surrounded by people in their 40s and 50s, I'd like to think that they could transfer me some confidence via osmosis, or perhaps telepathically?
I feel like in my 20's, I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life, I struggled to find something that I liked, and then finally I found it. And then I was bored. Now, I'm in my 30's and I far less confident than I was in my 20s. The world has opened up about a thousand new doors and I'm not sure what one I should take.
I need to give my new job six months. I wrongly assumed that because I was staying on the same project, that I would just naturally jump into my new role without any adjustment period. There are positives that I bring from my previous role, but there are certainly gaps in my new role that I'm not filling. It's not a fun feeling. I don't feel like I've been productive. I don't feel like I've contributed. That is not a good feeling to have, especially for me.
I have never considered myself a super achiever, nor do I want to be. I'm never going to be one of those people that can work until 2am, or that will come to work on the weekends when I don't have to, but sometimes I feel like that's what "people" view as a good worker.
I'm getting tired of people asking if my marriage is "legal in Canada" and I'm getting tired of talking about my last name. I worry that I'll never get married in Canada because I'm never there long enough. I don't know if getting married in Canada is important to me, or if taking Louis' last name is important to me. Five years ago, it would have been. Now, it seems like the Canada marriage and name change would just be a way to fill an insecurity that I have because I want a guarantee that it will work out. Regardless that we've already expressed our commitment to each other, and having a Canada wedding or changing my last name, doesn't change anything, but some days I want a legal guarantee. Even though, for the cost of a Coach purse or two, the legal guarantee can be unguaranteed.
I worry that I'll never have that "flash" moment where I decide, Oohhhh, okay, now I'm ready for kids. I'm worried that I won't want kids until my ovaries are all dried up.
I worry about my family and friends back home. I worry that I tell them too much. I worry that I don't tell them enough. I worry that I worry so much sometimes. I worry that I stress Louis out when I worry. I worry that I don't tell him enough. I worry that I tell him too much. I'm scared for a friend that is fighting cancer, I think I think about it too much. I don't worry about a family member that is having some health complications, because the moment I think about it, I burst into tears. I ask for fairly generic updates. Louis knows more about whatever procedures that are going on than I do. I get the general thumbs up or thumbs down tone or info from the email, forward the details to him, and then if anyone asks, Louis can explain it. I remember four or five years ago, my aunts, uncles, mom, met with my grandparents because they were updating their will. I cried the entire time. It wasn't a sad event. It wasn't anything stressful. I just can't seem to accept that they won't always be in my life. So I sat at their dining room table crying. Geez, I have some overactive tear ducts.
I'm sad that a lot of the friendships that I have, or had, in Canada have dwindled down. Between the work hours and time difference, email seems to be my main way of connecting with everyone, and not everyone is an "email" kind of person. I'm happy for the very few friends that I do have, that when we get together, it's like no time has passed at all, but I miss the interaction. I'm tired of the, "What's new" emails and I just want to have like, normal conversations. I don't think "normal" can be defined anymore.
I think I'm tired. I think I need to take vitamins. I think I need to write more about what's going on here, and let the people that I'm worried about worry - and remember that they are strong and won't fall apart if they worry for a moment here or there. I used to write about it here when I was scared, lonely, happy, sad. And now it's a "this is what I did today" or "this is what I did on vacation", but other than that, it's nothing. I took a big step back from exposing my emotions because I checked on Google Reader and saw that it wasn't just five people reading my blog. I think I need to suck it up and really think about it. Anything that I write on here shows that I am a human being, with screwed up (normal) emotions, living a different life than I thought I would, and dealing with the fun, sad, happy, angry, and confusing times. I was all worried that people from work would read this, when, screw it. If they read it, then, Hey!!! I'm in a new role now and I don't always know what to do!!!! Oh, and I worry a lot!!! And I'm half crazy!!! But if I work with you then so are you!!!! and leave it at that.
I think I need to focus on the fact, that no matter what has happened in my life, I've always managed to make it out alive and on my feet. I also think I need to focus on getting my ass to the gym and getting some endorphins. And of course, take some vitamins.
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