Just NB

Sadly, I don't have any pictures from last night, but it was quite an event. Claudie, my youngest step-daughter, was nominated for an award at her school. Every year they have an "Excellence Awards" ceremony. She struggled in earlier years getting the marks that she wanted and finally this year, after putting her incredibly demanding cheer leading on the back burner and working her tiny ass off, she's getting the marks (and recognition) that she deserves. Initially there was a tiny bit of controversy because each nominee is only allowed to invite 3 people, and her mom, sister, and dad, obviously have precedence over me. Thankfully, Louis was able to talk to the right person at school, explain our situation, and get me a ticket. I would have been happy to celebrate with her in any way, but being at the ceremony was a much better way. Unfortunately, she didn't win, but when I heard about all of the absolutely incredibly amazing students (who rank highly across C...

I'll start off with the total highlight of my day. I found my old iPod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been going crazy trying to find it this week, but super extra crazy to find it today. My hallway looks like some kind of laundry/paper/yarn (don't know how that's in there)/box bomb went off. But finding my iPod was the one and only thing that I could do today that would make me feel better. I haven't written much about things lately. I honestly don't know how to talk about it. In case you haven't got it already on Instagram or Facebook or on this blog before, my grandpa is a very wonderful man, and isn't like any old grandpa. He has made a huge difference in my life and I feel lucky to have grown up with a grandpa like him. My grandpa is funny, charismatic, can pretty much fix anything that's broken, and you can call him anytime for directions on how to get somewhere in Edmonton (which I STILL did until I left for Madagascar). But a cardiac su...

So I've written about "all these plans to look forward to", but I haven't eluded to much else. There's lots of change to come and lots of travelling. Two weeks from now I'll be somewhere over the ocean...or maybe in London. I'm flying Edmonton to Calgary to London to Johannesburg to Tana to meet Louis. We'll fly to Toamasina Monday morning, he'll go to work and I'll hang around camp or whatever. I can't remember if March is still warm enough for me to get some pool time in...but I hope so. Two weeks later, we'll both fly to Tana to Joberg to London, where we'll part ways for about a week. He'll fly to Montreal and I'll fly back to Edmonton. After dropping off his suitcase and spending a bit of time at home, Louis will join me in Edmonton for the month of April. He'll help me pack up, spend time with my friends and family, our friends, and spend some time together in good ol' Etown. (At an undetermined date) We'...

I know that given the circumstances, I'm doing well with what's going on. A cross continental move, an attempt at creating a home in a new city, the ending of my marriage, followed by an eventual move back to Edmonton. I'm often hard on myself for having the bad days, and even harder on myself for having the good days. I feel like it's too soon to be happy, it's too soon to experience joy, and that I shouldn't let anything good happen. Divorce is, pardon the language, a complete fucking mind-fuck that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And I have the good life in all of this. I think I'm a visual person, because when I started thinking about the overall process, I instantly pictured a graph. (Ok, I'm a visual person and a spreadsheet dork!). If the horizontal axis is Time , and the vertical level is my Happiness Level , or Acceptance of This Fucked Up Process , or General Dealing with this Process , this is what I picture it looking like. ...

If you're not reading this on Bloglovin' or Feedly, you can ignore this comment, because you won't see a difference. (Oh, random: Does anyone know why when I post pictures from my phone using Blogger, they post as mega-gigantic size? And later on, I can't edit the size unless I play around with the HTML code which lasts about ten minutes until all of the <<<< blend into one fuzzy line?) Anyway, I've changed my blog template. My most favorite template was when I had a picture of the Canal Pangalanes as a header, with my schpeel written on the picture. I screwed around too much with the HTML code and lost it, so I took a template background of a world map, and then more recently the view from an airplane. I didn't like it. First, I don't see myself doing a ton of airplane travelling - oh, except going to Montreal later this month...and maybe some kind of week on a beach if I can swing it...ok, so maybe there will still be some airplane trave...

Yesterday wasn't my favorite day. Spending nearly two full days with the girls, and then having to drop them off, and coming home to....me...isn't a feeling that I like. The trip was awesome and I'm so glad we went, but there's kind of this, I don't know, unpleasant feeling leaving them and going back to life without them. Sure, they're like a 15 minute drive, and I'm certain that at one (or many points) we'll annoy each other if a few weeks when Louis is back, but I guess I have sort of got used to them in my lives, and I like it better when they are around. Last night I had to choice to go to yoga, or spin class, but I chose spin because I didn't think I could deal with the mental aspect of yoga. Spin is easier, you just go and sweat your ass off. I did the whole not go-go-not go-go thing, so I was kind of surprised that I finally ended up going. Half way through the class, I started crying. But, everyone was sweaty, and it was just a 30 second c...

I'm nervous to post this 'cause it all sounds a little crazy. Maybe this is a harsh statement to make, but I'm not a positive person. It's one of the reasons I worry too much, it's one of the reasons I'm not as happy as I could be, and it's actually one of the reasons that I like/am good in my field. There's actually an old-school auditing exercise where you ask yourself, "WCGW", as in What Could Go Wrong , then all of the the possible "wrongs" are listed, and then rated them according to severity and probability. Without even thinking, I do this in my daily life. This is part of my personality, it's part of my history, and, it's part of my future. My Buddhist nun books that I'm reading highlight that everything in the world is in a constant state of change, in which this case, I'm thankful for. In 2007 or so, I read the book, Eat, Pray, Love . (I didn't watch the movie. I wanted to have that book in my head...

I've had so much going on in my head lately, stuff that makes the best blog entries (in my opinion), but I've been too lazy to write about it. As a reminder to myself, I'll make a note: -Write about: how I talk to myself (in my head) during spinning how limiting expectations while thinking about the other person can make things so much easier yoga updates. In the meantime, I'm in New York State shopping with Louis' girls. It's been pretty awesome so far, and if someone would have told me in 2010 that by 2013 we would have a relationship whereby we'd take a mini-road trip together...well, I wouldn't have believed it. I think I'm especially lucky. As a Step-Mom (more on that later too) On an unrelated note, I'm still part-Madagascar-thinking. Good plastic bags (like grocery bags) aren't available in Madagascar, and they aren't really something you think to bring back from Canada. But they come in handy!!! So I take every bag that I come acr...

After my last post yesterday, I went to Best Buy and Walmart to cross off a few things off my list. While I was walking through Walmart, I saw a shirt I could use for the gym for $8. I'm low on shirts (well, until Louis comes back with all of my suitcases, I'm low on everything....), so this was an awesome deal. I put down my Best Buy bag and my wallet, which I typically wear around my wrist. It has my credit card, bank card, Alberta license, spinning card (worth $150, I think), and a few dollars in case stores' debit/credit machines weren't working due to the power outage. Oh, and my house and car keys. I held the shirt up to see if it would fit (yeah, not the best method ever and that's just ONE of the reasons I return almost everything I buy), and then I picked up my BB bag and wallet. Or so I thought. I got to the cash register...and no wallet. I had a flashback of putting the wallet down and not fully picking it up. I raced back...it wasn't there. I w...

I've been so emotional today. I couldn't figure out why, since I'm having such a fun time.  While in the shower, I figured out what giving me such an overwhelming feeling. Relief.  I haven't written many posts lately, because they're all bullshit. I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I'm doing about ten billion things to stay positive, which by all means help a lot, but I don't feel like writing about it much lately. I live the loneliness, I live the struggles of adjusting to a city where I don't know anyone, I live with the guilt from being so sad while I haven't been affected by any of the major ongoing natural disasters.  But today, I'm relieved.  Even though I've only seen my in-laws a handful of times, I feel like a part of their family. I feel content and happy (most of the time :P). I'm surrounded by family interactions and people I know and I'm relieved because it shows me that the feelings of isolation and loneliness are tempor...

Today was a very, very happy day for me. I miss the family atmosphere, be it Edmonton or Madagascar! It's one of the hardest parts of my adjustment to living in Quebec. Today I was with Louis, Claudie, and various members of his family at various points during the day. I soooooooo needed this. 

I'm back in Quebec and it kind of feels nice! I was a little up and down yesterday, but...I have like, the perfect solution to any crankiness: This creature. She's cute and funny and quirky...and....can drive you absolutely crazy. She has these little spazz sessions in her bed, and that's how she pets herself. She barks to ask permission to go into her cage (where she eats and sleeps). She refuses to drink her water if there is any tiny, little thing in there. Like a hair. She is scared of going up stairs (I need to get a video of this because it's quite funny). Yesterday my luggage came from Air Canada (it's a very long story that resulted in me barely not yelling and swearing at the delivery man...I am so not impressed and a letter will be written), and I was super annoyed, but then I had this crazy beast trying to get me to play with her. Yesterday Maggie and I had a fight, because I was determined to break this, "Replace my water, there...

I'm having a lot of cool Edmonton experiences while I'm here! First, seeing my grandpa, in much better condition that in January, was great. He's still ill, and they'll still have a lot if bad days, but he's at home, and everyone is trying their best.  Next, it was the small little things. Like going to Mac's for a slurpee (I can't find any near us in Quebec). Or spending the day with my cousin. Or going out with friends that I don't get to see enough. Or going to IHop to eat an entire day's worth of calories in one sitting :S But I'm overwhelmed by it all. I want to take it all in, but I have a hard time because Louis and I will have a long distance relationship for awhile, and because I've chosen to make Quebec my home.  I feel guilty for not being here. For missing out on the lives of my friends and family. It's been awhile since I've struggled with moving from Alberta, but now I'm really feeling it.  I miss Louis, but I miss t...

Earlier in the week, Louis told me that Laurie (eldest daughter) got into a super hard post-secondary (in Quebec you go to school for 2 years before University). I was like, "That's cool, but we knew she would get in anyways". She's like crazy smart and gets super high marks, and it was basically a given.   A few hours later, I had a lightbulb moment, and was like, WTF? YEAH we knew she would get in, but it doesn't mean the accomplishment is any less!! I sort of apologized to Louis and then said, "We should get a cake or something!"   Insert a bit of arguing if the cake would be homemade or purchases (I wanted to make it....then agreed I didn't have enough time), and a trip to the dollar store and I was set to throw a "Yay, Laurie!" Party.   She came home from school and saw this:     I had bought everything we needed for a cheese fondu supper, and the girls and Louis made it all! I didn't even do the dishes!...

From yesterday's post....I hope those reading know that I do realize how fortunate I am. But...just sometimes, or a lot of the time, I struggle. The girls ARE wonderful. But different from what I know. We all have to grow and adapt. Tonight I have them on my own, and I look forward to it like I did the last time Louis had to go to Quebec City. (And we are a a family. Just not a FIAC, and just not what I had expected it to be.) In other news, this is why Canada rocks. We're expected to get 25-30 centimeters of snow. Fun times. In other news, in my...upsettings the other day, I scratched my rental car...I don't even want to have to think about it.

I've been pretty quiet on the blog front these days. Partially because I'm a jet lag spazz (although I think that's finally passed), partially because my mom is here on holiday, and partially because I have no words that can begin to describe what I'm thinking or experiencing. First, let's just make it clear from the beginning that Louis' girls are probably the best teenagers that I've met. They are thoughtful, caring, funny, super smart, and they love their dad sooooo much. Enter me. I love that they are in my life and I can't imagine it any differently. The girls make up a part of who Louis is, and I knew (and loved) that going into this relationship. But in my little drunken, high, rose-coloured glasses world, I thought we were like this perfect little blended family. Now that I'm thinking about the next few months and how I'll be returning "home" for x months, I realize that a big part of what I'm used to in Quebec, won...

There are times where I'm ready to throw in the expat towel. Throw away the job that I (now) love, the connections that I've made, the goals that I have, just throw it away. Because in the end, it's just a job. But it's hard to think of it as "just a job" when it seems life consuming for six weeks at a time. And while I've been like so incredibly fortunate and grateful for the experiences that it's given me, there are times where I feel guilty or wonder if these experiences were really worth it. I've travelled the world, I've grown as a person (um...literally at the moment since I'm trying to lose weight! :D), but I've missed so many birthdays and holidays and times with my family and friends. While Christmas Take 2 in Edmonton was amazing, and I left feeling comforted by the time I spent with my family, it's also bittersweet. When I was in Canada, I had a few different groups of friends. I saw them multiple times a week, ...

It's not fun to say, but most times when I leave Edmonton, I'm haggered and exhausted, and kind of stressed. I try to cram in too many things and I fuss too much about who I want to see and what I want to do and it seems like I end with a list of ninteen hundred "to dos" and I haven't spent half of my time actually spending time with the people that I wanted to spend time with. This time, I'm tired, but I'm leaving with my heart full of love and happiness. (Wow, that is incredibly hippy-sounding, but true). Instead of running around, I made one day in one spot where everyone....well, sort of came to me. Those who could make it made it, and those who didn't, didn't. I had a few stressful moments because I planned a surprise photographer and a surprise "We are all wearing matching pajamas and then the proffessional photographer is taking a picture of us", but other than that, no stress. Love, family, friends, no running around. No erran...

Well, I have too many electronic devices set up with too many different times. I was all pumped that I had both slept through the night AND slept until 08h50. Our alarm is set to go off for 09h00 this morning. I turned if off and then went downstairs (SINCE WE'RE ATTACHED TO A SECOND CUP!!!) and got a coffee for Louis and I. I was going to wake him up with coffee in bed! (OK, not as cool as breakfast in bed, but still cool). I get the coffee, go back upstairs, wake him up, and he's all groggy and like, " What time is it? ". I tell him it's 09h00, he looks at his watch and it's 07h00. I looked at my iPod clock which is set on Montreal time for some stupid reason. So  I'm up two hours before everyone else. Oh well, I have a lots of things I need to catch up on and....(what's most likely going to happen) have access to a CANADIAN TV, with CANADIAN (or more like American) TV shows. Yesterday we went to West Edmonton Mall Waterpark. Since I'm all li...

My blog's been pretty active the last week which usually means that I have a lot going on in my head and don't know how to get it out. The visit to Tana this weekend, although it took a toll on my energy (weird eating times with crappy food, a bit of alchohol, little sleep), was sooooooooo good for my heart. I truly love Louis' family, even though I barely know them. But each and every time that I've seen them, I go away so happy (ok, happy and tired), and even though I don't get to see them often, I really, really enjoy our visits. The family dynamics are so different than mine - a grandma/mom, five siblings and their spouse, each with their own children (11!) and step-children (2-4...I can't keep track!) of all ages from 1.5 to 27!!!! I think most of the time I'm there I am quieter or chat with one or two people at a time. No - I think most of the time I'm there I just sit back and watch! Louis' family has welcomed me from the moment they m...