"About Me"
I'm nervous to post this 'cause it all sounds a little crazy.
Maybe this is a harsh statement to make, but I'm not a positive person. It's one of the reasons I worry too much, it's one of the reasons I'm not as happy as I could be, and it's actually one of the reasons that I like/am good in my field. There's actually an old-school auditing exercise where you ask yourself, "WCGW", as in What Could Go Wrong, then all of the the possible "wrongs" are listed, and then rated them according to severity and probability. Without even thinking, I do this in my daily life. This is part of my personality, it's part of my history, and, it's part of my future.
My Buddhist nun books that I'm reading highlight that everything in the world is in a constant state of change, in which this case, I'm thankful for.
In 2007 or so, I read the book, Eat, Pray, Love. (I didn't watch the movie. I wanted to have that book in my head as I imagined it...not the movie producer's view). Something resonated with me. The author, who worked hard to have everything she thought she wanted, fell apart, in fact, fell into depression after she reached the point at which she thought she'd be living the "happy ever after". I thought that I had to visit some magical place, I thought I had to follow the author's dream, I even researched how to visit an ashram. Like, serious research and financial planning. I was aware enough to realize that something wasn't right. And that I had the ability to change it. (I just checked out the book website and saw that she started writing this at 32. Holy crap. When I read the book I thought 32 was SO OLD. [I'm thirty three] [point five])
Well, I didn't go to an ashram, and time passed, and then I moved to Madagascar. I experienced feelings that I had never before...all at a very intense level and all kind of crammed in at once. I also learned a lot about life, myself, and the world. (I feel like all of this sounds like some cheesy crap right now, so if you're not into it, feel free to skip this post. No offense taken)
While on vacation with my mom sometime in 2011, I stole/read a book she brought called the Happiness Project, where an every-day-run-of-the-mill woman, who was mostly happy, mapped out areas that she'd like to improve in her life, and dedicated one month to each area. I've read that book over and over again. I've picked up some tips and it's a great read.
Now, I read a few like, "Happiness" blogs, if that's what they can be called? Really, it's a bunch of people writing down the complete overtness of life, but presented in a way that provokes some reflection and sometimes a, "Oh yeah, that makes sense" kind of feeling. (One example is Mark and Angel Hack Life . It's a little too intense for me to read every day, but it's still great).
I also continue to (so extremely slowly) read my Buddhist nun books.
A sharp subject change before I go on:
Probably the highlight of my trip to Kenya was visiting an elephant orphanage during feeding time. First the "teenagers" were brought out, and they were hilarious. I watched (and filmed, if you'd like to see it) one elephant that was hot and wanted to lay down on the dirt. But it came time to get up...and he kinda didn't know that at his age, elephants don't lie down flat. They find a hill and sleep on their side - first because their weight is hard on their organs, and second, because they can't freaking get up. So I watched this elephant try to rock himself back and forth to get up. Other elephants were around him, but they were doing their own thing. He rocked and rocked, and then finally built up enough momentum to sort of get up, but then his friend came from behind and gave him the final push that he needed to stand again.
Why the sharp subject change.
I feel like I'm that elephant. That I'm going through life, without knowing how to stand up properly, by myself. Like, I'm developmentally challenged or something. That other people know more than me and probably don't struggle as much as me to figure out the basic concepts of life.
In reality, this is only partly true. Other people struggle, but most accept the struggle, and a lot don't try to analyze every single rock back and forth. They just struggle, deal with the struggle, and move forward, instead of ensuring each detail is captured, as to never repeat that struggle again.
I'm sure that elephant does the SAME thing every hot day. Some days, he might be able to get up by himself, and other days, he might rock back and forth until he gives up and one of the keepers has to come and help. Eventually, WITH TIME, he'll learn. And I doubt he goes to bed worrying about it.
Why all this blabbering on? All of this crap, all of the stuff that I read, all of the "positive" self-talk thatforce-myself to do, all of the trying to pick up new habits (habits are actually "hard coded" into your brain - as neuropathways, and the brain always chooses the easiest/most used path. By changing habits, you can change the "hard coding" in your brain), all of the falling down and most of the time getting up, is because I'm trying to be a less negative person.
That's me. That's my "About Me". I think that all this crappiness that I'm feeling, being away from Madagascar, being away from Edmonton, experiencing loneliness like I've never felt before, being frustrated and isolating myself from others because they just don't understand what it's like to live over there and then come back... It's so that I can work on my 'Be Less Negative' project. I guess...that if I think about it in that sense, I'm actually being pretty positive.
That's it.
I'm kinda sick of my blog lately, because it has no fun pictures, just the occasional post of my self-analysis that I'm trying to quit...But I guess that's why I don't live off my blog money....'cause I don't really care who reads this (except I totally do, because I wonder if there's people that know me that read this and think, WTF is wrong with that chick?!), and cause I just write to write. Something that makes me feel better and organize my thoughts, even if my blog is disorganized, and may always be.
(Oh yeah, one day I'm going to go through my latest trip pictures and put them on here...uh huh. I swear).
To conclude:
I want to realize the good, before a list of the bads are in my head.
I want to think less, instead of analyzing each movement.
I want positivity to come more naturally to me.
Unfortunately for me, none of these wants can be achieved by reading any book, or mapping out a detailed spreadsheet complete with pivot tables. All of it happens day by day.
Good luck to me.
Maybe this is a harsh statement to make, but I'm not a positive person. It's one of the reasons I worry too much, it's one of the reasons I'm not as happy as I could be, and it's actually one of the reasons that I like/am good in my field. There's actually an old-school auditing exercise where you ask yourself, "WCGW", as in What Could Go Wrong, then all of the the possible "wrongs" are listed, and then rated them according to severity and probability. Without even thinking, I do this in my daily life. This is part of my personality, it's part of my history, and, it's part of my future.
My Buddhist nun books that I'm reading highlight that everything in the world is in a constant state of change, in which this case, I'm thankful for.
In 2007 or so, I read the book, Eat, Pray, Love. (I didn't watch the movie. I wanted to have that book in my head as I imagined it...not the movie producer's view). Something resonated with me. The author, who worked hard to have everything she thought she wanted, fell apart, in fact, fell into depression after she reached the point at which she thought she'd be living the "happy ever after". I thought that I had to visit some magical place, I thought I had to follow the author's dream, I even researched how to visit an ashram. Like, serious research and financial planning. I was aware enough to realize that something wasn't right. And that I had the ability to change it. (I just checked out the book website and saw that she started writing this at 32. Holy crap. When I read the book I thought 32 was SO OLD. [I'm thirty three] [point five])
Well, I didn't go to an ashram, and time passed, and then I moved to Madagascar. I experienced feelings that I had never before...all at a very intense level and all kind of crammed in at once. I also learned a lot about life, myself, and the world. (I feel like all of this sounds like some cheesy crap right now, so if you're not into it, feel free to skip this post. No offense taken)
While on vacation with my mom sometime in 2011, I stole/read a book she brought called the Happiness Project, where an every-day-run-of-the-mill woman, who was mostly happy, mapped out areas that she'd like to improve in her life, and dedicated one month to each area. I've read that book over and over again. I've picked up some tips and it's a great read.
Now, I read a few like, "Happiness" blogs, if that's what they can be called? Really, it's a bunch of people writing down the complete overtness of life, but presented in a way that provokes some reflection and sometimes a, "Oh yeah, that makes sense" kind of feeling. (One example is Mark and Angel Hack Life . It's a little too intense for me to read every day, but it's still great).
I also continue to (so extremely slowly) read my Buddhist nun books.
A sharp subject change before I go on:
Probably the highlight of my trip to Kenya was visiting an elephant orphanage during feeding time. First the "teenagers" were brought out, and they were hilarious. I watched (and filmed, if you'd like to see it) one elephant that was hot and wanted to lay down on the dirt. But it came time to get up...and he kinda didn't know that at his age, elephants don't lie down flat. They find a hill and sleep on their side - first because their weight is hard on their organs, and second, because they can't freaking get up. So I watched this elephant try to rock himself back and forth to get up. Other elephants were around him, but they were doing their own thing. He rocked and rocked, and then finally built up enough momentum to sort of get up, but then his friend came from behind and gave him the final push that he needed to stand again.
Why the sharp subject change.
I feel like I'm that elephant. That I'm going through life, without knowing how to stand up properly, by myself. Like, I'm developmentally challenged or something. That other people know more than me and probably don't struggle as much as me to figure out the basic concepts of life.
In reality, this is only partly true. Other people struggle, but most accept the struggle, and a lot don't try to analyze every single rock back and forth. They just struggle, deal with the struggle, and move forward, instead of ensuring each detail is captured, as to never repeat that struggle again.
I'm sure that elephant does the SAME thing every hot day. Some days, he might be able to get up by himself, and other days, he might rock back and forth until he gives up and one of the keepers has to come and help. Eventually, WITH TIME, he'll learn. And I doubt he goes to bed worrying about it.
Why all this blabbering on? All of this crap, all of the stuff that I read, all of the "positive" self-talk that
That's me. That's my "About Me". I think that all this crappiness that I'm feeling, being away from Madagascar, being away from Edmonton, experiencing loneliness like I've never felt before, being frustrated and isolating myself from others because they just don't understand what it's like to live over there and then come back... It's so that I can work on my 'Be Less Negative' project. I guess...that if I think about it in that sense, I'm actually being pretty positive.
That's it.
I'm kinda sick of my blog lately, because it has no fun pictures, just the occasional post of my self-analysis that I'm trying to quit...But I guess that's why I don't live off my blog money....'cause I don't really care who reads this (except I totally do, because I wonder if there's people that know me that read this and think, WTF is wrong with that chick?!), and cause I just write to write. Something that makes me feel better and organize my thoughts, even if my blog is disorganized, and may always be.
(Oh yeah, one day I'm going to go through my latest trip pictures and put them on here...uh huh. I swear).
To conclude:
I want to realize the good, before a list of the bads are in my head.
I want to think less, instead of analyzing each movement.
I want positivity to come more naturally to me.
Unfortunately for me, none of these wants can be achieved by reading any book, or mapping out a detailed spreadsheet complete with pivot tables. All of it happens day by day.
Good luck to me.
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