Just NB

After a year or so of blogging, I was all about the Googly Analytics, checking out who was reading my blog and in which countries. Now...I write what I write...and don't really check (or care) who is reading. I know my grandma does (cause she tells me), but after yesterday's post, I wonder if people think that I just sit in my pajamas and cry all day long and never leave the house, when...apart from today, because I had a pretty rough day yesterday, it's quite the opposite. Most days (like I said, yesterday afternoon/evening was really rough so today doesn't count), I wake up and get on with my day. I usually have physio or an errand planned. I have these two GIGANTIC DOGS that are very happy to see me, so I take care of them for a bit (say hi, let them outside, pet, cuddle, blah blah). Here are a couple of photos....I'm not sure that these photos truly capture the size and power of these dogs! Right now they are both sleeping peacefully next to me...but try to im...

I thought we could do this friend thing. I've had it work in the past.  I think I just wrecked that. I thought we could have a moment...or two, where we both visit the virtual grave site of our relationship, together, and throw roses on the dirt, and then say our goodbyes, and just for a moment, grieve together. Just for a moment, be bonded in that sadness of what we are giving up. I tried to communicate that. But I didn't do a very good job.  Instead I think that my texts and phone calls...have just driven him away... The sadness and grief too much. On the plus side, yesterday was the first day that I had an "ok" day. Too bad it was follow by this day...this big fight...with yelling and....words and messages I don't understand, only to quit calling and texting him if I'm sad. I wore him out. Understandable. I've worn myself out. 

I’ve always been scared of anger. Never sure what to do with it...and thought of it as kind of a wasted emotion.... But it’s here. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t have any because we are amicable and because he’s been helping take care of me and get started back on my feet again. But I am so angry right now that my chest feels so tight that it might just explode. He lied to me for months. He told me everything was going to be OK. He told me that he loves me because of who I am. He told me that we were going to be OK and that we were OK. Is it crazy that even now I have to stop and tell you that he’s not a bad person? Far from it, in fact. For me to express my anger, I need to tell you that he’s a good man. That all of this is do illogical. But I am so angry. He gets to come home every night to the dogs, to his familiar surroundings, to everything that he knows. His home. No longer ours. I come home to my cousin's house, my cousin’s dogs, and every night I sleep in the basement. T...

I've been married once before...so shouldn't I kind of know how to handle this heartbreak thing? This relocating to Alberta? It should seem somewhat familiar...right? No. Everything but familiar. Yesterday night, while I was feeling sick as a dog, I decided I needed a slurpee. And, since I can't find one glove, I needed gloves. I think I was gone for an hour and a half, I came back with gloves and a bottle of Coke. I never found the gas station selling slurpees...and I don't know what I did for that hour and a half... I'm finding this a lot lately...that errands take me so long...that I lose track of time, that I just walk around aimlessly. It's not depression...it's just this...feeling like...I'm missing something. Like, I can't function...without him...and I used to carry him around in my heart. Even when we weren't physically together, him at work, me studying at the library, I felt him with me. We were together. I remember my ex-husband ...

First, I have to clarify, in my previous post - my ex didn't tell me to get over it, he told me, in so many words, to get it together. I call him...at times when I'm not ok...and when we have conversations, I'm not exactly...well, my conversation path doesn't always make sense. I'm not sure if that's any better, but I'm not doing so well keeping it together when we are in contact. Why? I'm confused everything... I'm worried about money, life, a job, where I'll live post-vacation, what I'll do, money, finances, money, money, money, money......................... My condo might be empty for a month or two - I might be living in it until it's rented, but that also means no rental income... My car payments are high (which was fine when I was working...and the used mini-SUV kinda saved my butt about a hundred times in the winter). I am receiving a generous, "Sorry I broke your heart" stipend, but I still panic...mainly in ...

I knew that starting over would be difficult....but I didn't know that finding a place would cause such emotion....I didn't know that the Edmonton job market would be so difficult, and I didn't know that the expatriate job market process would be so confusing. I don't think I'm ready for an expatriate job....(I had one kind of on the back burner, but I never felt safe...and I didn't have a good feeling about it...at all....). Yesterday I spent most of the day in tears....and commiserating by myself, feeling so sorry for myself... My ex is providing me with financial support...but I'm terrified to spend any...because I don't know how long it will take to find a job...I don't know how much the job will pay, and I will also have to buy things like a couch, chairs, etc... I had a cute, perfect little home before we moved in together, and now...I have to do it all over again, and I'm sorry, dear reader if it sounds like I'm a spoiled rich gi...

I did that from sunup to sundown today. I have a place to stay. I'll figure out a place to live when I get back from my three week long trip. I'll be camping. I was totally convinced that I needed it, until my ex told me that I should take care of my stuff in Alberta. Then I felt guilt. Regret for doing something so luxurious (although the trip is soooooooooo non-luxurious), and now I'm panicking.... I have a place to stay. I'm taking a trip. My life has no structure. I'll deal with it.