Just NB

I'm still in a bit of a funk from the other day...but I remember this blog used to be full of pictures, and i miss that. I'm looking for a hobby and I'm looking to write more, so here are a few pics to start - and I hope to add even more when I get a DLSR camera this year (I used to have one but it got lost in the move). The photo I'm most proud of is the last one - my Christmas card (that most people didn't get a copy of in the mail because...well, it's 2020 and I lost track of time). Maggie is a pretty photogenic dog, but I also love playing around with the focus and depth of the pictures. The Xmas card photo is a great example of that.  More hobby posts to come soon. 

I don't, nor will I ever, understand today's reality. The threat war, civil unrest, pandemics have always been there...but in my mind and my life, have been far, far away in another world.  Not in my daily life. I haven't watched the news in nearly a year. Occasionally, I'll check out Google News for the odd update. I'm so tired of the doom and gloom, yet it can't be denied.  This morning I listened to a few stories of family members that have lost a loved one to COVID and all I heard in their voices was the feeling of helplessness. They desperately tried to remain in contact with their loved one while they went through the degrading stages of death. They never wanted their loved one to feel alone, yet somehow the family feels like they failed regardless. I'm sad of the division that this virus has created. Those that believe, those that do not. Those that support the idea of wearing masks and respecting the guidelines/laws to minimize transmission of the vi...

 Guys, I have so much GOOD in my life. I did before I started my new job. & while I’ve been anxious AF, I’ve received nothing but great feedback, my work has been recognized, & it feels really good to be using my brain again...even if I am going through all kinds of adjustments & changes... Beginning a management job, in the banking industry, all working from home.  & on that subject, I’d like to share a quick pick of my “new” bedroom. I switched my master bedroom & my spare bedroom so that I would have a bright & big office. Switching rooms has been amazing & I’ve started sleeping SO MUCH better in my cozy space.  It still needs a bit of wall decor, but look how cozy this little room is:  Ok, the pictures won’t upload properly because I’m using my phone...but you get the idea. & one of the best parts is that I have a friend (just a friend) to help me with all of this kinda junk.  Today was a really tough day emotionally...but I’m...

 So, there's going to be a HUGE change happening tomorrow and the following week. I start this crazy, amazing, insanely cool job...but, I'll be working from home. It has been so hard not having regular employment over the last 1.5 years since I moved back to Edmonton and I feel like it's finally my time to get things going.  I have NO idea what anything will look like....I have NO idea how it will all work...but I'm ready for the unique experience of onboarding during a pandemic.  Yes, my mental health is pretty shitty...but I'm doing everything I can do stay in the present, to create (or re-create) better self-care practices....and not giving up. It's scary right now...but I just have to keep going.  I hope to document the beginning a new job in a pandemic journey. It's been awhile since I've had anything to blog about. 

 The good:  I have secured a freaking amazing one year contract with a freaking amazing company. I'm excited and nervous to start, but having regular, full-time work will create a lot of positive changes for me. I'll be working mostly from home due to the pandemic. I'm not thrilled about that but I feel safer this way.  Let's just skip to.... The Ugly: I'm not ok anymore. I don’t want to talk about the backstory...but I’m fighting for my life. Some days, I’m living it. Both require equal strength. I feel all alone. Rejected. I don’t feel like I can take care of myself anymore. Eating, laundry, life....I am tired, exhausted, but going through the motions...hoping that there will be some kind of "fake it until you make it" effect.  I need more support...but in a pandemic I don’t even know what to ask for. I have been reaching out like it’s my full time job. I’ve been doing everything that I’ve learned how to do during this journey into mental health. Right n...

I would have never imagined that I would be so open with my mental health journey. For most of my life, it was a secret that I dare not tell anyone. Then, when I came back from Madagascar and was trying to adapt to all things new but weren't...I had to open up to my family and friends because I couldn't hide it anymore and I was going through hell trying to find ANY appropriate medical treatment. Depression, anxiety, ADHD, it's all very frustrating. It's frustrating because YOUR MIND is sending you the wrong messages. Medication is an option, but the most effective treatment is some type of cognitive therapy so that you can recognize when your mind is sending you the wrong messages. But it's a life-long learning process. As your circumstances change, you need to adapt your self-care and routines. What's also very frustrating is the stigma surrounding mental health. It is not a mental disability, it should be treated as a physical disability. If I had epilepsy - ...

 I really don't think I'm doing okay lately. But I have to remind myself....is anyone doing ok? I think I handled my move and unemployment relatively well. Add in the quarantine and waiting for this damn job interview, a medication change, and 2+ months of not sleeping great....should I be doing great? I've been pushing myself hard to attend as many hot yoga classes as I can...but maybe that's not helping with my energy levels? It's hard...and I'm all in as my pass expires at the end of this month...but maybe it's wearing me out too much. Some days walking the dog is tough. Some days leaving the house is tough. I recently read something that said, "For people with depression, it's all consuming and there are no small victories". I think that's true and I have to start recognizing that it's a victory getting out of bed. It's a victory when I have a shower. It's a victory when I walk the dog. It's a victory when I get enough f...